The purpose of the curriculum is to help parents who have experienced domestic violence to understand the impact on their children and themselves; to teach parents to talk to and listen to their children about their experience of the violence; to encourage children's resiliency, and to support parents in strengthening their relationships with their children.

The curriculum is designed for use by instructors and counselors in parent education classes, DV shelter programs, batterers' treatment programs, and other related counseling programs. If you are unable to teach the entire curriculum, the authors recommend that you always include the first two sessions. (What is Domestic Violenceand Effects of DV on Kids).

The focus of the curriculum is domestic violence and parenting issues. This is nota curriculum for a comprehensive parent skills class. Parents participating in your program may have several other needs that are not met by this curriculum. These might include needs for safety planning and shelter, perpetrator treatment, parenting skills, etc. Instructors can use the resource list at the back of the curriculum to find other resources.

Many parenting classes include parents from a variety of backgrounds. In your class, you may have immigrant and refugee parents, parents whose religion, culture, or sexual orientation may be different from your own, as well as parents who are not literate.

When teaching the curriculum, it is important to acknowledge the individual beliefs and experiences each parent has, that may affect his or her understanding of the material in this curriculum. By opening up a discussion of these individual beliefs and experiences at the first session, you can help parents to integrate these new materials with some of their current knowledge and strengths as parents. Encourage parents to discuss their own beliefs and experiences throughout the class. If you have parents who are not literate or have limited literacy skills, tailor your use of the curriculum to their needs, by limiting the written exercises and homework.

The curriculum contains twelve sessions. Please note: there are two versions each of Session 5 and Session 6; one for victims and one for perpetrators of domestic violence. These are appropriate for use in specialized DV programs. If you are teaching a parent education class, you may choose to skip these sessions. Each session includes learning Objectives and a Lesson Plan, and detailed notes and guidelines for the instructor. Most sessions include brief stories to illustrate key points. The curriculum includes an instructor manual and a student manual.

The curriculum is based on the following assumptions:

We ask that every person using this curriculum feel comfortable with these assumptions.

Domestic violence is an extremely difficult topic for some participants. In every coeducational parenting class there are likely to be both perpetrators and victims of domestic violence.

DO NOT get into arguments about the definition of domestic violence. Allow some discussion. If people don't agree with the definitions provided here, acknowledge that they have a different definition, but the definition provided in the curriculum is the one that will be used in the class.

DO NOT try to provide individual counselling to anyone during the class. If a person is in crisis, or has an urgent need to talk to someone about domestic violence that is currently going on in their relationship, refer them to a specialized program for perpetrators or victims of DV in your community. (See the resource list at the back of this manual). Note: Please do not refer couples who are currently experiencing DV to couples' or family counseling.Perpetrators of domestic violence often use couples' or family counseling as a way to further intimidate and control their partners and/or children.

Tell Class: Every parent has their own set of experiences that teaches us about our role as a parent, and how we should interact with our children. Before we start on the content of this curriculum, we're going to take some time to look at what experiences have influenced each of us as parents. We would like to continue this discussion throughout the class sessions.

Take a few minutes to think of what these influences were for you. Some examples are:

Take some time to discuss these with the class. If people are having a hard time getting started, you can begin with some examples, or by sharing some of your own experiences. Then ask class: What contributes to your strengths as a parent? What things about your parenting would you like to change?

Begin by telling the class: We are going to start by defining domestic violence.

Write on the board: "Domestic violence is not just hitting. It is a pattern of actions that one person uses to control or dominate his or her intimate partner through violence and the threat of violence."

I am going to read a story from a man who was violent to his wife. As I read it, listen for the different things the abusive person is doing. We will make a list of them afterwards.

John's Story

John completed a domestic violence treatment program. His actions are very typical for a person who is abusing his wife or partner. This is how he described his violent/abusive behavior.

One night, it was just before Christmas, I went out Christmas shopping for my family. I had $400 on me. I spent $300 on presents, and then I went to a bar and spent $100 on drinks for me and my friends. I took a cab home and forgot to take the gifts with me. The driver took off with all the Christmas presents in the car. I went in the house and I started screaming at Suzanne. I told her to call the taxi commission and find the driver who had the presents. It was late and she couldn't get through to the commission. I started screaming at her and telling her how stupid she was. I told her it would be her fault if the kids didn't get any Christmas gifts. My son, he was three at the time, was there and he started crying. I took some of our family pictures off the wall and threw them across the room. I threw Suzanne down on the ground. I picked up my son and shook him. Then I screamed at her, "Take your fucking kid and get out of here."

Other times I threatened to commit suicide just to scare her. I would put down her family, and tell her she was a failure, a rotten mother and a rotten wife. I told her that if she told anyone about the violence I would kill her. I would pull her hair and pinch her. I would say things to her like, "I am the king, and you are my slave." I would make her have sex when she didn't want to. Throughout our marriage, I abused her verbally on a daily basis. I beat up on her pretty bad when she was pregnant. I hit and kicked her in the legs and arms and smacked her face."

Ask the class What are some things that John did to control his wife and son?

Generate a list. Write the list on the board.

Domestic Violence (DV)is a whole pattern of actions that one person uses to dominate and control another person through physical and sexual violence, and the ongoing threat of violence.

Who Commits DV?

A battereris any person who uses physical violence and the threat of violence to control or limit the actions of his or her intimate partner.

A victimof domestic violence is any person who is in an intimate relationship with a batterer.

DV happens in every neighborhood, in every social class, and in every religious, racial and ethnic group. It can happen to our friends, grandparents, neighbors, coworkers and ourselves.

The majority (90%) of reported domestic violence assaults are committed by men against women. Some women assault their male partners, but in many of these cases, they are acting in self-defense. Domestic violence also occurs in gay and lesbian relationships.

Why Are People Violent to Their Partners?

People are violent to their partners because at some time in their lives, they have learned that being violent is the way to make your partner and children act the way you want them to. They believe that they have the right to be violent at home.

Men who batter are often supported in their violence by social norms that say that the man has to do whatever it takes to "be in charge," or "wear the pants." They may also be supported by family members, friends, police, courts, doctors, counselors, pastors, and others who choose to ignore the violence when they hear about it.

Myths and Misconceptions About DV

There are many "myths" about what causes domestic violence. Some of the myths about DV are that it is caused by:

The only thing that causes DV is the actions and choices of the violent person.

Review the definition of DV. Allow for some discussion, but do not allow people to argue about the causes. If people strongly disagree, ask that they accept your definition for now, and try to work with you.

Tell class: We define DV as a pattern of behavior that one person uses to dominate and control his or her partner. Control issues are something most people experience, not only in relationships but in many other aspects of our lives, including our jobs, our social activities and our government and legal system.

Power relationships can be thought of as a pyramid. The person or people at the top are in control, and the person or people on the bottom are relatively powerless.

A good way to understand this kind of system is to look at South Africa under apartheid. In that country, the white minority attempted to maintain complete control over the black South Africans, the East Indians, and other people of color. Many people have similar experiences in the United States.

Ask the class: How did the people in power maintain control over others?

Have class generate a list, including

Ask class: How did those in power use violence and the threat of violence?

Generate a list, including

Ask class: How does this affect oppressed peoples' ability to express themselves and work towards freedom from oppression?

Ask class: What beliefs would you imagine the white people in power had about their rights to control other people?

How do you think they justified the oppression to themselves and to others?

How did the people in control act? How did they feel?

How did the people at the bottom of the pyramid feel about their lack of power?

Why didn't the people at the bottom of the pyramid tell those in power how they felt?

In violent relationships, the abusive person is at the top of the pyramid, and uses many different tactics to control his partner and keep her powerless. The person who is being abused experiences all of the same feelings of hopelessness, anger, loss of self-esteem, powerlessness, etc., that oppressed people feel. Some common tactics abusive people use to keep their partners under control are:

Ask class: What beliefs in your culture support men's violence against women?

Examples:

The Power and Control Wheel (developed by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project in Duluth, Minnesota) on page 1-5 of the workbook describes several other kinds of abusive behaviors which are not physical.

Each spoke of the wheel shows a tactic that an abusive person may use to control or maintain power over his partner. The rim of the wheel is physical and sexual violence. Violence is what holds the system together.

Tell the class to refer to page 1-6 in the workbook. Lots of times we hear people say about a battered woman, "Why doesn't she just leave?" Think about what it is like to be a woman whose husband is doing everything on the Power and Control wheel. What would her days be like?

Ask class to generate list, including:

Let's just think about how this would affect a woman's ability to be a Mom.

Write list on board. Include:

This is just a brief overview. We will come back to this in more detail later.

Perpetrators of domestic violence inflict pain and fear on their families, and they also experience some negative consequences themselves for using violence.

Think about what it is like to be a man who is doing many of the things on the Power and Control wheel. How would his use of violence affect his relationship with his wife or partner?

Ask class to generate a list:

How might his use of violence affect his relationship with his children?

Ask class to generate list, including: His children

Homework: We have defined DV as a whole system of actions that one person uses to dominate and control another person. Most people have been in a situation where they have been controlled by another person or institution. Many people have experiences with bosses who are very controlling.

Tell the class: Think of a situation where you felt controlled by another person or situation and you were unable to leave the situation (a job, your parents' house when you were little, a relationship, school or other institution, etc.). It should be a situation where the person had more power than you did. Turn to page 1-7 in the student workbook and answer these questions:

Remind class that the homework assignment was to think of what it felt like to control other people and what it felt like to be controlled.

Ask for a two or three volunteers to talk about the assignment.

Tell class: We are going to talk today about the effects of DV on kids. We're going to start with an exercise to understand this. Everyone is going to get a card saying what age they are (for example, eight years old).

The purpose of this exercise is to understand the effect of DV on children so we can better help our children. It is difficult, but try not to judge the mother or father for what they did or didn't do. Just listen from the point of view of the child.

Give each participant a card with an age written on it. Tell them to imagine that they are a child of that age while you are reading the story. Before you begin, write titles for two columns on the board: Abusive Behavior Child's Feeling

After each anecdote, stop and list the abusive behavior and the child's feeling.

Tell class:

So far, you have grown up with both parents. You love both your parents. Sometimes they get along very well. Your father is sometimes very nice to you. He is handsome and funny. He makes you laugh. You want them to be together. The violence in your home has been going on since you were born. As I read the different situations, think about how you might feel, and what you might learn from each situation.

1. Lots of times, when you are having a family dinner at home, your father tells your mother that he can't stand the way she chews. She is a slob. She is so gross. He can't bear to look at her. He tells her to wipe the grease off her chin. She takes a napkin and wipes her face. She looks down and doesn't say anything.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

2. Your mother is doing a load of laundry and cooking dinner. You are playing on the floor in the living room. Your sister is napping. Your father comes home and trips on one of your toys. Your father screams at your mother and tells her she's a slob and why doesn't she ever clean the house. Your mother tells him to stop. He tells her to quit her bitching. Your sister wakes up and starts screaming. Your mother says that he shouldn't talk like that in front of you. Your father slams her against the wall and hits her. On his way out the door he says he wants the house clean when he gets home. You are crying. Your mother is crying. She hugs you and tells you not to worry. Things will be OK.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

3. Your father comes home the next night. He brings you a beautiful new kite. He says he's sorry he upset you, but if your mother were a better housekeeper these things wouldn't happen. He hugs you and the two of you go outside to fly your kite.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

4. You aren't doing so well in math class. You just can't concentrate. You get a D. You bring your report card home. Your mother tells you that you shouldn't show it to your father. Later, your father finds it. At that moment, your mother is on the phone with a friend. Your father calls you into the living room and asks you why you're doing so badly. You say you don't know. He keeps asking you. When you don't answer he gets very angry. He takes off his belt and hits you across the legs. Your mother comes running in and physically tries to stop him. He throws her to the ground. He says to her, "Maybe if you weren't so busy yacking on the phone all the time, my kid would be doing better in school." He tells you that you better answer him next time he asks you a question. The next night your mother offers to help you with your math homework.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

5. You're driving home from a family picnic. You're on a narrow back road. You had a great time playing with your cousins. Your parents smiled at each other the whole time and you feel good. Things are going to work out. Your father was drinking beer all day. He and your mother are singing. There's a fork in the road and your father asks your mother which way to go. She says, "I don't know." She grabs a map and tries to open it. Your father starts screaming at her and telling her she's a stupid bitch. He accelerates and drives 90 miles an hour around a sharp curve. You notice the speedometer. Your mother pleads with him to slow down. Your little sister starts crying. Another car comes and your father slams on the brakes. You are holding on to your sister. Your father turns around and smiles at you. "Close call, huh?" You smile back.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

6. Your father seems to have disappeared for good. You haven't seen him in a long time. Your mother is always worried about money now. You had to move out of your house to a small apartment in a yucky building. There are lots of strange people on your street. You had to change schools. You don't have a yard to play in. You never see your friends anymore. The other kids in school tease you a lot for the way you dress. You're the new kid. You don't understand what's going on in most of your classes. You hope your father will come back. Then you can move back into your house and have your yard and your friends back. Maybe your Mom and Dad will get along. When you ask your mother when he's coming back, she just says she doesn't know. You wait to hear from him. You're afraid to ask because your Mom doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

One day you're leaving the new school and your Dad is standing by the door. You shout "DADDY!" He picks you up, gives you a big hug and says you're going for a ride with him. You go out to your favorite restaurant and he gives you a nice present. He asks you where you live now. You are eager to see him so you tell him. He asks you if your Mom is seeing anyone new. Then he tells you that your Mom won't let him see you anymore. He asks, "Do you miss me?" You start to cry. He says you can stay the night with him if you want to. Do you want to?

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

7. He takes you to his new place. It's a very nice apartment with a view of the mountains and the Sound. He has a whole room that he says is just for you when you come to visit. He's bought all the toys you said you wanted but didn't have. He has a huge TV with the video game you always wanted. You play for a while. Later you tell him you need to call Mom. He says you can call later. He takes you to a fun movie. He asks you how you like school. You remind him to call Mom. He asks for her number. He calls her and tells her that you're with him. He says he just wants to spend some time with his own child. You can tell by the way he's talking that she's angry. He sounds calm. He says he loves you. He gets off the phone and says your Mom is just crazy. She broke up your family and now she doesn't even want you to spend time with him. He asks you where you'd rather live.

Ask class and list on board: What was the abusive behavior? What would the child feel?

Tell class: Take a few minutes and answer the questions on pages 2-2 and 2-3 of student workbook.

Ask for three or four volunteers to share their experiences. This may be difficult for some people, as many participants may have lived with DV.

If you have nine or more students, break up into three groups to look at effects. Assign one topic to each. Otherwise, do the following as a large group exercise.

Tell the class that you are going to take some time to think more about the impact of DV on children Break the class into three groups, if necessary, and discuss the following questions. They can write down their answers on page 2-4 of their workbooks.

This is a difficult topic, but it is the first step in trying to help our kids.

When children witness domestic violence in their home:

Bring the group back together and share answers. Generate lists on the board. Point out to the class that there is a place in the workbook to write these lists down.

How do children feel?

What do they learn?

How do they act?

(*Note: Some children who have witnessed DV are incorrectly diagnosed with ADD. They are given medication for ADD, when they may really need counseling and support for having witnessed domestic violence).

How do children feel?

What do they learn?

How do they act?

Tell class:

As we have described, DV can have a lot of bad effects on children. But there are lots of things parents can do to help. The first step is understanding these effects. The next step is learning to talk to our kids.

Homework:

Review the list of the effects of domestic violence on children. If you have had violence in your home, what are some of the effects you have seen in your children? Answer the questions on page 2-5 in the workbook.

How have your kids been affected by DV? Ask for three or four volunteers from the class. At this time, don't give any advice. Just listen and understand.

Tell class: Many parents say that the experience of domestic violence didn't affect their children. They may see that their children are acting "normal," doing well in school, and playing with their friends.

It is important to understand that children learn to define themselves and to understand the world around them from what they observe at home. When very young children start to understand the idea of "ME" they watch their Mom and their Dad, or whomever is taking care of them. A child begins to develop her concept of "ME" from how each of her parents interacts with her, and how her parents interact with each other. She defines herself as "Like Mom" and "Like Dad," and "Like Mom and Dad."

Many other people and experiences contribute to a child's idea of "ME," including brothers and sisters, friends, teachers, other family members, etc., but a child's sense of self begins to develop at home. This is the child's self that begins to interact with the outside world.

Tell class: We have been talking about the effects of DV on kids. There are lots of things we can do to help them when they have witnessed DV. Two of the most important things are

Explain to class that it is normal for people who have been in a violent relationship to NOT want to talk to their kids about it. It is easier to pretend that it didn't happen, that the kids didn't know about it, that they will just forget about it.

Denying the violence often causes kids to be more confused and scared.

Refer to page 3-2 in the student workbook. Review the page and then ask the class for other ideas and write them on the board.

Ask for questions.

Ideas for helping our kids when they've witnessed DV:

Tell class: When we don't talk to our kids about it, they make their own assumptions, and learn some negative lessons of what is supposed to happen in a relationship.

Refer to page 3-3 in Student workbook This is a story from an advocate who works with children in a DV shelter.

The advocate's story>

I worked with Amy, a little girl who was six years old. Her Mom never said anything to her about the violence, or why they were staying in the shelter. In our groups, we have the kids draw pictures. Amy drew a picture of a man and a woman in a house. The man had his mouth wide open. She told me that it was Amy and her husband when she grew up. I asked her what her husband was doing. Why did he have his mouth wide open. She said, "He's yelling." I said, "Why is he yelling?" Amy said, "'Cause he loves her."

Here is a story from a 39-year-old man who has been arrested for domestic violence ten times.

Bill's story

My father used to beat on my step-mom all the time, right in front of me. No one ever talked about it. No one said anything. I got so used to it, I would just sit there and eat snacks, watch TV, like nothing was going on. I've never really beat on my wife like he did; I just slap her and push her around sometimes.

Discuss the stories in terms of the impact of denial on kids

Write on the board: How Denial of DV Affects Kids

Ask class to generate list on board of the effects of denial on kids. Refer to page 3-3 in the student workbook.

How Denial Affects Kids

It's a lot scarier for kids when no one ever talks to them about the violence.

Tell class: It is often difficult to talk to our kids about the violence. There are lots of things that make it difficult. We are going to work in small groups and list the obstacles to talking to our kids.

Write on the board:What are the obstacles to talking to our kids about domestic violence? How can we overcome these?

Divide the class into smaller groups and ask them to generate a list of obstacles, followed by ways to overcome them. Ask students to turn to page 3-4 in their workbooks and write down their answers.

Bring the group together again, Before you begin, write titles for two columns on the board: Obstacles Overcoming Obstacles

Ask the groups to share the obstacles they identified, and then brainstorm ways to overcome them.

Below are some examples of obstacles and ways to overcome them. As you go through this exercise, acknowledge each parent's feeling, and remind them that no matter how young their child was or how far away from the physical violence when it occurred, the child probably has a sense that something scary happened. Emphasize the importance of talking to children about the violence.

Examples of Obstacles

Examples of Ways of Overcoming Obstacles

If you don't know what to say, pay close attention next week, when we'll talk more about it.

Tell class: There are many benefits to talking to kids about the violence. What do you think some of these are?

Examples of benefits:

Tell class: To summarize the emotional needs of kids who have witnessed DV, we are going to discuss page 3-5 in the student workbook.

Child's Emotion: Fear

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Anger

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Mixture of anger and love

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Confusion about being able to love both parents

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Loss

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Guilt/Responsibility

Child needs to:

Child's Emotion: Feeling life is unpredictable (never knowing when a crisis will erupt)

Child needs to:

End the discussion by repeating that talking to your kids about DV is very difficult for most people and takes a lot of work, patience, and commitment. In our next class session, we will talk more about ways to talk to your kids.

Homework

Refer to page 4-2 in Student Workbook. Tell class: We're going to start by reading a story from a Mom who talked to her child about a DV incident after it happened.

Kathy's Story

Ask class : What messages did this mother give her child as she was talking to her? What else could she have said? What messages do you think children need to hear about domestic violence from the survivor?

List responses on the board.

Ask class to turn to page 4-3 in their workbooks and review "What Children Need to Hear about DV from the Survivor."

What Children Need to Hear About Domestic Violence from the Survivor

Have class turn to page 4-4 in their workbooks. Tell class: Now we are going to talk about how an abusive person can talk to his child about the violence. This is what Frank said to his sons after he was arrested for domestic violence:

Frank's Story

Ask class the following questions, and list the responses on the board:

Have class turn to page 4-5 in their workbooks and review.

What Children Need to Hear About Domestic Violence from the Abuser

Ask class: How do you think your child might respond when you try to talk to her or him about the violence?

Generate list. Have class fill in page 4-6 in their workbooks as you write list on board. Make two columns, one for Responsesand one for Feelings

Ask class: What feelings do you think the kids in these examples are having?

List feelings on the board next to each response.

Tell class: Once we start talking to our kids about DV, we need to be ready to listen to them, and accept their responses. So the next thing we're going to talk about is listening to our kids.

Tell class: In order to help kids understand and talk about the DV, we need to learn to listen to them. We are going to break up into small groups. Each group should answer both of these questions:

Give the class about ten minutes to discuss these questions. Tell them to write down their answers on page 4-7 of their workbooks. Then ask them to return to the large group. Ask each group to share its answers.

Tell the class: Many of us have the tendency to do everything exceptlisten, including telling our own experiences, offering advice, denying the other person's feelings, trying to psychoanalyze, or just changing the subject. There is nothing wrong with any of these responses. But they aren't the same as listening.

Here are some examples of the ways we don't listen.

Read the following situation to the class. Your friend says to you, "My boss is really a jerk. Yesterday he gave me an assignment at 4:00 and expected me to have it done by 5:00, when he knows it takes a whole day to do it. I had to stay late to finish it and I missed the last bus home. When I came in to work this morning he didn't even say anything to me."

Read each of the following responses to the class and after each response ask participants to think about how that response feels. Write the feeling on the board.

Telling our own experience:Yeah, my boss is a real pain too. I was on the phone with my wife yesterday because my son got in trouble in school. So my boss comes in and says that next time he sees me on the phone he's going to take the time out of my paycheck.

Giving advice: Just try to forget it. It's only a job; it's not your whole life. Denying the other person's feeling-What are you complaining for anyway? You should be happy. At least you have a job. Do you know how many people are unemployed in this country right now?

Trying to psychoanalyze:You know, you really seem to have problems with authority figures. Maybe you should look at that.

Changing the subject:Really? So what do you want to have for dinner?

Asking questions:Why didn't you just tell him it wouldn't be enough time? How many hours worth of work was it anyway?

Defense of the other person:He was probably under a time crunch, too, you know. And he probably didn't think of saying anything to you this morning because he has so much work to do.

Pity:Oh, you poor thing. That must have been terrible.

Listening:That sounds pretty frustrating.

Have class turn to page 4-8 in their workbooks. Review "How to Listen and How Not to Listen."

How to Listen

How to Not Listen

Tell class: Sometimes just listening quietly without saying anything is the best thing to do. And sometimes children need us to listen to their feelings, and to let them know that we hear and accept the feelings. We are not judging them or telling them the feelings are right or wrong.

Ask class to turn to and review page 4-9 in their workbooks.

Tips for Listening For and Accepting Feelings Learning to listen can be difficult. Here are some tips:

After your child has had time to respond, you can let her know you understand by saying things like

Tell class: Recognizing the person's feeling is saying, "You sound like you are really disappointed." or "You seem angry." Doing this is harder than it sounds. So we're going to practice now.

Ask class to turn to page 4-10 in their workbooks.

Listening for and Accepting Feelings

Below are some examples of things kids say. For each example, we are going to think of two responses to the child: one that denies his or her feeling (not listening) and one that acknowledges his or her feeling (good listening).

Example:

"I thought we were going to stay home and rent a movie! I don't want to go to Aunt Marie's house again. I HATE Aunt Marie!"

Denial of the feeling:"Don't talk like that about your Aunt Marie. You know you love her. Now get your shoes on!"

Acknowledgement of the feeling:"You sound really disappointed."

Read examples to class and ask for response that denies feeling and response that acknowledges feeling.

Ask the class: What gets in the way of listening to our kids?

Generate a list of obstacles to listening on the board. Ask the class to write ideas on page 4-12 of their workbook. Include:

Homework: Tell class to turn to page 4-13 in their workbooks. Ask them to take 10 minutes this week to listen to their children. Ask them to try to use some of the skills we learned today and to write down how it felt.

Refer to page 5-2 in student workbook. Tell class: We are going to talk today about the different ways that batterers may use the children against their partner or former partner. Then we will discuss some things you can do to protect yourself and your children from these tactics.

This is a story from a woman who was battered by her husband, Karl, for eight years until she left with their 4-year-old daughter, Anna.

Kim's Story

"When we were getting ready to go to school one morning, Anna got her shoes on before I was ready and ran out into the yard, opened the gate and ran around the outside of the car to wait for me. I was about 10 feet behind her. She ran about halfway across the street as though it was a game. No cars passed, and I managed to get hold of her. Karl had seen the whole thing from the window and was very angry with me. He grabbed Anna from me and put her in the living room. He ordered me in the house and right in front of Anna, he hit me very hard across the head at least two times and kicked me in the leg. He yelled at me about what I was doing and said he had seen the whole thing. He said that Anna could have been killed and that if anything happened to her while she was in my care, he would kill me. "Karl has called me stupid, dumb and slow so many times that Anna has learned the vocabulary, sometimes using it on her dolls, and at times on me. She has also called me a "nasty bitch," which she didn't learn from me."

Ask class: What were some of the ways that Karl used Anna to control his wife?

Generate a list and write it on the board.

Tell class: While many batterers want to be good fathers, they still use the children to gain control over their kids' Mom. Use of violence against your children's Mom is not compatible with good parenting.

Ask class: What are some other ways that your husband or partner has used the children against you?

Write the list on the board. Have the class write the list on page 5-3 of their workbooks. Include:

Take a few minutes to process this exercise. It can generate a lot of feelings for Moms.

Tell class: Unfortunately, children are often physically and always emotionally endangered when domestic violence occurs. It is important to help them find ways to stay safe. Developing a safety plan with your kids can be complex. The goals for the safety plan are usually:

When safety planning with kids, it is important to let them know that they are NOT responsible for the violence, and they can NOT stop it.

There are several steps you can take to safety plan with your kids. The first step is talking to your kids about the violence. We discussed this in Session 3.

Ask class:

Tell class: Think of a situation where your child has been in danger from his or her Dad's violent behavior. What would you have liked him or her to know and do?

Ask for one or two examples from participants.

Examples:

Tell class: When you develop a safety plan with your children, think about what your child is actually able to do. A three-year-old can't walk four blocks by herself to a friend's house. A five-year-old might have trouble staying in his room for three hours. The plan should be age-appropriate.

Review page 5-4 in the student workbook, "Steps for Safety Planning When Violence Takes Place at Home"