search | site index | faq | about us | what's new
Anoka County Faith Community
Publication Date: 2000
Funding for this manual has been provided by:
Faith communities are in a unique place and time to respond to the horrible social crime of domestic violence. In a study done in a rural Minnesota county, 47.6% of respondents with abuse histories said, "I would rather rely on God to help me." This suggests that clergy need to understand the dynamics of domestic violence and become aware of the advocacy programs available (Kershner M., Long D., Anderson J., unpublished data). When social services agencies in Santa Clara, California asked domestic violence victims where they first turned for help, their answer, overwhelmingly, was to their church. But when the victims were asked where support was most lacking, their answer was the same: the church (National Catholic Reporter, 7-4-01).
This manual has four chapters with separate purposes and components that are interdependent. While the focus of these materials is Christian, it is hoped that other faith communities can modify the materials to reflect their particular faiths.
The process that led to this project really began in 1995 when screening for domestic violence was initiated as part of the nursing assessment at Mercy & Unity Hospitals in Anoka County, Minnesota. In 1997 a group of parish nurses attended a seminar sponsored by the Domestic Abuse Religious Task Force in Anoka County, MN. This task force was a part of the county's Alliance for a Violence - Free Anoka County also formed in 1997. As a result, domestic violence screening was integrated into the parish nurse's client assessment tool. In collaboration with the hospital violence educator, the Community Parish Nurse Program of Mercy & Unity Hospitals sponsored a workshop entitled, "People Are Hurting From Family Violence: How Churches Can Respond" in 1998. Well attended by area clergy, lay leaders, faith community staff and parish nurses the group asked for even more information, education and practical tools that would help them make their places of worship safe places to seek help. These requests motivated the production of a "Pastor's Packet" which provided basic information about domestic violence; what scriptures are often misused to excuse or explain a perpetrator's actions; how to incorporate the topic into sermons/homilies and worship; and local resources that are available to assist both survivors and perpetrators. This tool still left a gap, that of allowing for full understanding of the dynamics and cycle of violence.
The presence of parish nurses in six area congregations as part of the Community Parish Nurse Program provided a natural connection to education and screening activities occurring in the hospitals and clinics and prevention efforts in the community. The Administration for Families and Children of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Allina Foundation and the Community Health Improvement Department of Mercy & Unity Hospitals together provided funding to develop curriculum, manuals and resource materials for use within faith communities.
The project began by identifying and convening an interdisciplinary group of key stakeholders:
The task force developed the project mission and a work plan. The mission statement is: To develop a program which will provide clergy, staff, lay leaders and members of spiritual communities with:
This group first became educated about the various issues surrounding domestic violence to provide them with necessary information and appropriate tools before expanding it throughout their congregations. They participated in the development and approval of curriculum content, materials, brochures, posters, etc. to be used within their faith communities. The parish nurses were key in keeping the process going. Their experience in working with individuals, various groups and staff in faith communities was very valuable. They were the communication link between the project coordinators and the faith community staff. In addition, the parish nurses were part of a sub-group, which developed communication and awareness tools including brochures, posters and lapel pins.
Early on, it was clear that some barriers existed. Time was a big issue - clergy schedules are busy and unpredictable. Assumptions and myths about domestic violence had to be addressed quickly - just because no one had come to them seeking help did not mean their congregation was free of the issue. From time to time the goals and expectations needed to be clarified. The sub-group that was formed to address some details kept things moving forward. With the help of an administrative assistant, the writing and actual development of materials was the responsibility of the co-coordinators of the grant and the consultant that had been hired.
After clergy, staff (including the parish nurses) and lay leaders had their training, curriculum was developed for adults in the congregations. In order for this to take place, it became clear that someone (pastor, parish nurse, staff member or congregant) needed to play the role of "champion". Survivors of domestic violence started coming forward. They were glad that their place of worship was addressing the issue and that it was safe to talk about their personal struggles with domestic violence.
All of that led to the need for even more education. There were questions such as: What about the perpetrators? How can they be helped? What about our children and teens? How can we keep this from happening in their lives? And then our older adults - what can be done to educate and support their special needs? A couple of the churches have schools on their campuses. Some teachers and school counselors attended the training session. The task force heard presentations by experts in each of these special areas and they were provided with community resources that address these specific issues.
While good work has been done by providing education to clergy, lay leadership and staff of 6 churches, it is clear ongoing education and awareness activities are essential to maintain awareness and sensitivity to these issues. Activities to achieve this goal must be pursued regularly.
Developed by:
Marlene B. Jezierski, RN, BAN, Violence Prevention Educator
Co-Editors:
Lyla Pagels, RN, Parish Nurse Coordinator
Mercy & Unity Hospitals, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries, Minneapolis, Minnesota
Based on curriculum from: DV101, Allina Hospitals and Clinics Encourage to Hope Ministries
Before beginning, have participants complete pre-course questionnaire. Total time to complete Book I: 4 to 6 hours
| Part | Subject | Presenter | AV | Time (min.) |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1-A | Opening comments:
|
Educator or Advocate | Overhead Handouts | Total: 15-20 |
| 1-B | Dynamics
|
Advocate and Survivor | Overhead Handouts | Total: 45-80 |
| 1-C | Barriers
|
Group Discussion | Total: 10-20 | |
| 1-D | Broken Vows Video Part I - Brief post-discussion | Educator and Advocate | VCR | Total: 35 |
| Break | Total: 10-25 | |||
| 2-A | Awareness raising:
|
Educator and Advocate | Total: 15 | |
| 2-B | What to say, what to do
|
Educator, Advocate and Small Groups | Manual, Handouts and Scenarios | Total: 65-110 |
| 2-C | What congregations can do
|
Parishioner and Educator | VCR | Total: 40-45 |
| 3 | Closure: Good Samaritan | 2 Readers | Total: 5 |
| Upon completion, have participants complete post-course questionnaire |
This manual provides course content and tools to teach domestic violence awareness and their role to faith community clergy and leaders. This course should be co-taught by a representative of the faith community and a local advocacy services community educator. Additional speakers such as a survivor are suggested.
*It is suggested that you customize overhead language to coordinate with local statistics, laws, local incidents, etc. to make the material most relevant to participants.
If you are looking for a presenter (in Minnesota) contact: Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries. Phone: 952-448-7178. E-mail: encouragetohope@aol.com
The following criteria is suggested for any individuals assuming responsibility for conducting family violence educational sessions.
Partnership
A teaching team composed of a champion/faith community member, survivor and an advocate from your local agency is very effective and can optimize the participant learning experience.
The learning experience
However, stay on task!
The education team members must all help with the delicate balancing act of presenting content while flexing to participants' needs.
Begin and end on time. Plan on taking one fifteen-minute break. Resume promptly.
Remain objective
Educators will get a wide variety of comments in response to the content. This is good! You need to know what they are thinking. Always remember to be respectful of participants' opinions, remain supportive and validate comments.
Examples of responses:
Primary prevention
Encourage participants to seek ways to provide information to all their members. Mention that a rural Minnesota domestic violence study (Ottertail County) revealed that over 50% did not know of local services, and that almost 50% of survivors in that study said they would rather rely on God than seek help.
Collect stories
An effective teaching tool is story telling - examples that will encourage participants to reach out. Preserving confidentiality, write down stories you hear so you can remember them for later classes.
Language
Emphasize that when speaking to community members or preaching, it is more helpful to use words like "hurtful" and "disrespectful" and to avoid words like "abusive," "violent" or "battering." Some may not want to be labeled, others may not know what abuse is because it is the norm in their life. Consider using "survivor" instead of "victim." The latter can denote powerlessness, the former is a positive, supportive word.
Communication points
Focus on behaviors rather than gender. Consider the following points:
If you have a large audience, be absolutely certain you can be heard. Generally, it is easier for the audience when the speaker uses a microphone if there is a large group.
It can become an emotional issue. Be forewarned that when painful information is presented, it can be emotionally difficult for both participants and educator.
Creating a Safe Place Objectives
Provide an understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, the elements of power and control and their impact on survivors of domestic violence.
Discuss barriers which prevent faith communities from identifying and providing support to community members who are possibly or actually experiencing family violence and ways in which these barriers can be overcome.
Provide information related to what can be said to survivors of domestic violence.
Provide suggested actions a faith community can take to help survivors of domestic violence.
Create insight related to limitations of clergy and lay leader roles when providing support to survivors and abusers, boundaries that should be respected and the appropriate use of referral resources.
As participants begin to gather, have them complete the pre-course questionnaire (found in Appendix).
Desired Time:
15 - 20 minutes
Purpose:
Strategies:
Content:
Tips:
AV - Consider playing music and/or displaying a violence-free overhead as participants gather.
OH - You are the one who can make the peace.
Start on time.
Open class:
OH - You cannot fix the problem BUT You can offer support and resources.
State: "We can make a big difference by opening doors and planting seeds. We have to remember that, rather than telling survivors what they should do, we should be there for them and provide them with support and resources."
Group member introductions
In a round robin format ask participants to:
OH - Sad face
Acknowledge the artist: "The artist is a nurse who is also a survivor. She shares her art with others to express her experience as a way of helping people understand the personal impact of violence."
Acknowledge survivors and/or participants who are touched in a personal way
by violence in the home. Make a sincere, supportive statement such as:
"Whenever a group of any size gathers, survivors or those who have been touched by family violence are present. All of us teaching today want you to know that we are very sorry this has happened or is happening to you or someone you care about. No
one deserves to be intentionally hurt; you did not cause it."
OH - Violence Definition (from MN Health Care Coalition on Violence)
"Violence is the threatened or actual use of force against a person or group that either results in or is likely to result in: injury, death, emotional damage or coerced behavior."
State: "Violence may be defined in various ways. Not everyone considers coercion and intimidation to be violent. Simply stated, 'violence is words and actions that hurt people.'"
"A more comprehensive version is one from the Health Care Coalition on Violence. Note that this definition emphasizes threatened or actual use of force, and can be behavior that results in emotional damage or coerced behavior as well as injury."
OH - Women's Health Survey (rural study)
State: "This study was done by a public health nurse in Ottertail County, Minnesota.
Nearly 1700 women responded. As you can see, violence is not limited to the cities."
(Source: Kershner, M. Journal of Public Health Nursing, December, 1998)
Use local statistics. (See "Statistics" handout in Appendix page 167)
OH - (Numerous slides that set the stage providing statistical, cultural and religious examples.)
The purpose of these overheads is to gain interest and to focus on the global nature
of violence and its connection with family violence.
Show several overheads illustrating how violence is condoned, overlooked and minimized in various situations such as the legal system, humor, and the media.
OH - Why should faith communities get involved in domestic violence issues?
Domestic violence isn't even in the Bible . . . is it?
Ask: IS family violence addressed in the Bible? Can anyone think of any examples? Where might the first incident be?
The speaker should prepare for this segment of the curriculum by reading and reflecting on one or more of the following and be prepared to discuss these examples. The intent of this component is to bring awareness to participants that the issue existed and was a problem.
Samples of scripture references:
Desired Time:
Purpose:
Strategies:
Materials:
Tips:
Content:
OH - Pain has no gender, no race, no culture, no income level, no class. Jeri Martinez, Vermont Network against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault.
State: "Batterers use various tactics to gain and maintain control over their victims. These tactics work because they are human tactics. There is no way to quantify the pain victims feel. All victims feel pain whether they are female or male, old or young, poor or rich, encompassing all races and cultures. Overwhelmingly, research shows that 90 to 95% of reported domestic abuse are female victims and male perpetrators. This is not to say that males are not abused as well." - Martinez
Consider leaving this message up on a flip-chart stating you do this to honor and remember the pain suffered by all victims, both women and men.
OH - Domestic abuse:
Is power and control of one person over another.
Is the use of violence or threat of violence to control another.
Results in low self-esteem and belief that the survivor is the reason for the abuse.
Another definition to consider using:
Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and
other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors,
including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and control
the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and
constant) terrorizing fact.
(Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990)
OH - Power and control wheel
Introduce the Power and Control Wheel and encourage participants
to look at others in their packet later. (See handout in Appendix)
State: "The Power and Control Wheel was developed in Duluth, Minnesota, and is used all over the world to help people understand the dynamics that go into abusive relationships. The center of the wheel symbolizes the center driving force of the problem: power and control. The various elements of emotional abuse are held together by sexual and physical violence. While all abused persons are emotionally abused, not everyone is physically or sexually abused. You have other wheels in your packet, and I encourage you to look at those later."
Consider involving participants in the discussion by asking with each component: "What would be an example of..." (intimidation and threats), then elaborate.
Following are examples of each component.
Spiritual abuse:
Emotional abuse:
Isolation:
Minimizing, denying, blaming:
Using children:
Using "privilege":
Economic abuse:
Coercion and threats AND using intimidation:
Make note of the equality wheel. (See handout in Appendix)
State: "Sometimes when I talk about power and control, some individuals begin to look
at their own relationship. The distinction is that power and control is the driving element
in an abusive relationship. The equality wheel illustrates healthy relationships."
Statement connecting the elements of the power and control wheel with Biblical references.
State: "Think about the stories we identified as examples of family violence earlier. What behaviors and actions in those bible stories, or others, are reflected in the power and control wheel?"
State: "Scripture from Ephesians 5:21, is frequently mis-used in abusive relationships by abusers. Women who are being abused have often been told they are to be subject to their husbands. What part of Ephesians, which is usually not quoted, changes the context of that reading? How do you respond to the use of violence in a relationship in the context of power and control?"
Encourage participants to refer to the manual, "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers, a Manual for Faith Communities," (beginning on page 35). Ephesians and other readings addressing the rights of wives to be respected and safe are discussed on pages 58 and 60-63) .
State: "Some additional power and control wheels are included in your handouts. Take some time after class to review them. They reflect issues related to specific groups such as the elderly and teens".
Why people stay in abusive relationships.
Group Exercises:
These exercises help participants understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. Select one of the three to use.
Exercise option one:
State: "Take a few moments to focus on a particular time of stress in your life. Respond to the following questions as they relate to that stressful time."
Be prepared with two or three key elements if they have difficulty answering. Ask each of the four following questions. Write their responses (in removable ink) on overheads (or use a flip chart). Use 4 overheads, one for each question. Number them to keep them straight.
Following are a few examples of what people might say.
OH - Question l: What happens to you when you are stressed?
OH - Question 2: What do you (or others) do to cope with the stress?
(Also: What are some unhealthy ways in which people cope with stress?)
OH - Question 3: What do you say to yourself during stressful times?
OH - Question 4: Why do you keep doing that which stresses you?
Group Discussion:
Begin by placing the "What happens to you when you are stressed?" responses on the projector. Taking one or more of the class examples, elaborate, paralleling what people who are safe do with those who are in an abusive home. This exercise is intended to help participants relate more to people in battering/harmful/unhealthy relationships. Tell them that many of the responses they gave are the same for people in battering situations. Put each of the overheads with group responses on the projector in turn and briefly discuss, challenging participants to think.
What happens to you when you are stressed?
"Think for a moment how difficult it is to function well when you can't sleep, and
what an impact insomnia would have on a survivor who is being battered and has low
self-esteem."
What do you do to cope?
"Many of the normal coping mechanisms (shop, take a long bath, take a walk)
are not options for survivors. They frequently can't talk to anyone, they are
isolated or don't have the self-esteem to believe anyone else would care. So they
repress their feelings. Because of this, many coping mechanisms of survivors are
unhealthy."
What do you say to yourself?
"Survivors say pretty much the same things you say."
"They blame themselves for the situation."
"Their low self-esteem makes it harder for them to see their strengths and potential."
Why do you keep doing that which stresses you?
"The issue of finances is almost always a huge issue for people who are battered."
"Survivors often feel they have little choice."
"It isn't always bad at home. They have good days, they love their families."
"It is not unusual for survivors to minimize what is happening to them."
Complete discussion with a summary comment:
"It is so hard to understand when you aren't in an abusive relationship. Perhaps this exercise helps illustrate some elements of the dynamics of remaining in an abusive relationship."
Exercise option two:
This is a simple scenario that describes a possible real-life situation. It is intended to elicit discussion that results in understanding the difficulties survivors face.
Prior to reading the scenario, distribute seven response cards randomly to participants. Ask them to read the card out loud when you prompt them.
The individual responses should be placed on cards for participants to read. The responses are as follows:
State: "I'm going to read a story about a woman who is like many of us. Take special note of how she reaches out time and time again for help. When I refer to the person on the card such as landlord or doctor, please read the response written on the card."
Read the following out loud:
"My name is Gloria. I am 70 years old. I was married to Harold for 48 years. We have four children, all who live in different states. Harold was a wonderful husband and a good provider. Harold died last year from lung cancer."
"Ten months after Harold's death I met Oliver. Oliver was funny, caring, compassionate and romantic. I introduced him to my children and grandchildren. They all loved him. My friends thought I was lucky to have found someone who was so charming."
"Before we got married, I sold my home. We planned to live in Oliver's apartment until we could find a place of our own. Once I moved in, we never went to look for another place."
Gloria says to her sister: "Oliver isn't the same as he used to be." And her sister says...
She says to law enforcement: "I'm afraid of my husband." And law enforcement says...
She says to her clergyman: "Oliver seems angry." And her clergyman says...
She says to her landlord: "I'd like to talk about my lease." And her landlord says...
She says to her friend: "Oliver likes me to stay home." And her friend says...
She says to her banker: "I'd like to talk about my account." And her banker says...
She says to her doctor: "I've been feeling stressed lately." And her doctor says...
Brief Group Discussion
Ask: "How do you think Gloria felt?"
After discussion, summarize key learning points.
State: "Oftentimes, we only know a little of the whole story. People in abusive situations
may often reach out tentatively to many and get such responses."
"Think about anyone in this kind of a situation. How do you suppose Gloria, or anyone else feels as they reach out for help, support or affirmation?"
Exercise option three:
Ask participants to reflect on some or all of the following questions. Read questions aloud.
A Quiz: Have you ever.....................*
Ask: So..................why do people stay in abusive relationships?
Thoughtful reflection on these questions is enlightening. Spend a minute or two getting feedback and hearing how the questions brought a different perspective.
* Developed by and used with permission from Gail Holdeman, MSW, LICSW, Central Center for Family Resources, Blaine, MN
Other Elements of People Staying
OH - Why people stay in abusive relationships
Complete the discussion.
Touch briefly on some of the points that did not come out.
Use overhead to emphasize points. Refer participants to "Barriers: Realities that Prevent Family Violence Survivors from Looking for Help," (see Appendix pages 143-144 and "Why Do I Stay?" page 168).
State: "The fact is, it is totally untrue that they just stay. Survivors are constantly trying to change their situation and/or get out of it. Fear is one of the most important factors in people staying. A significant percent of murders of battering victims occur AFTER the person leaves the relationship."
Desired Time:
20 - 45 minutes
Purpose:
Provide participants with opportunity to gain insight into a real-life situation.
Strategy:
Presentation by speaker or an advocate who is able to share a personal story
Tips:
If you have a survivor speak, consider the following:
Content:
Option 1:
Lecture: Survivor story
Introduce speaker. Have tissues available. When introducing, emphasize the incidence of battering. Encourage the participants to identify the many aspects of power and control and reasons people stay in abusive relationships as they listen to the talk.
Question and answer period
When survivor has finished, debriefing is important.
Consider what might feel appropriate. Suggestions include:
Encourage questions.
Look for a participant who may exhibit signs of wanting to ask.
Have a couple of questions prepared in case there are none, such as:
Participants sometimes have many questions and it is necessary to close the discussion.
Speaking to faith community leaders: Notes to survivors
Your contribution to family violence education, sharing your story, is the most important part of our education. Your willingness to share is greatly appreciated. Through your message, people will understand power and control and be motivated to begin doing abuse screening. You will find that many will be deeply grateful to you. Others in the audience have shared your experience themselves. Before deciding to share your story, be sure you are ready to speak about such painful experiences to others.
In order to optimize your presentation's effectiveness, consider the following:
*Extremely helpful!!
Tips
Developed by Marlene Jezierski, RN, 1997. Rev. 2001.
Option two:
If you are unable to find a survivor to share a story, use stories from the "Broken Vows" video. It contains several powerful, moving stories that provide insight.
Desired Time:
5 - 10 minutes
Purpose:
To introduce some of the basic concepts related to abusers
To address some myths associated with abusers
Strategy:
Briefly mention there is much to be learned about abusers, that the issues related to them are only briefly referred to in this class and in the video. Consider having a guest speaker for another session to provide in-depth information.
Content:
Refer participants to the following components of "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers," a Manual for Faith Communities (Book II beginning on page 35). Mention the content contained which includes:
Desired Time:
10 - 20 minutes
Purpose:
To help participants begin thinking about what issues they should address in their faith communities and how they can go about it.
To help participants begin to address barriers on a personal level.
Strategy:
Flip chart or OH brainstorm responses, follow with discussion. (See "Helping Individuals in Domestic Violence Situations - Barriers to Faith Communities," pages 151-152).
This is an interactive discussion where participants' individual concerns are raised and discussed. This portion helps participants move past reluctance and discomfort to recognition of their role.
Tips:
This component can be shortened if time is an issue. Key points to emphasize in this exercise:
Content:
Brainstorming
State: "Just for a moment, let's brainstorm some major issues that can interfere with faith communities providing help to abuse survivors or abusers."
Write responses on flip-chart or overhead.
Ask: "Now, think about barriers on a personal level. What prevents you from addressing this issue?"
Discuss identified barriers: ("Christian Myths about Sexual & Domestic Abuse," (see pages 90-92); "Family Violence: Myths & Misconceptions," (see pages 145-148); and "Helping Individuals in Domestic Violence Situations - Barriers to Faith Communities," (see pages 151-152). Review participant handouts and be prepared to discuss them. When you are not sure, ask participants what they think.
Closure
"We all have barriers, but once we acknowledge them, we can begin to address them."
Desired time:
35 minutes
Purpose:
Provide concrete examples of survivor stories and their experiences with faith communities
Identify the responsibilities faith communities have towards members who are in abusive relationships
Strategies:
VCR
"Broken Vows" video
Tips:
Allow a short period for debriefing and then take a break. Consider utilizing the discussion guide which accompanies the video. It contains many valuable discussion questions and provides guidance to leaders.
Content
"Broken Vows" Part I. A teaching video available through: Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, 2400 N. 45th Street, Suite 10, Seattle, WA, 98103. Phone number: 206-634-1903; at a cost of $139 to purchase or $50 to rent.
Desired time:
15 minutes
Purpose:
Provide a genuine sense of the survivor perspective
A subtly impactful physical demonstration of the effect of multiple violations upon a person's self-esteem and the isolation survivors experience
Strategies:
A reader
One of the presenters sitting in a chair
8 blankets
Tip:
The person sitting under the blankets must not be claustrophobic!
Content:
Why People Stay - Audience Exercise read by one and demonstrated by one or more volunteers.
Why People Stay - Audience Exercise
2-A Janet's Story: A Case History
The purpose of this presentation is to help participants visualize the way in which the circumstances of a battered woman's life limits her options. This is the most graphic way to answer their persistent question, "Why does she stay?"
Be prepared with a pile of eight blankets, quilts or bedspreads. One workshop leader or planner reads the script of Janet's story. Another workshop leader sits on a chair in front of the group. The reader asks the participants to listen to each statement from Janet's story, giving the instruction that, after each statement, one participant is to come forward and place a blanket over the person seated on the chair in front.
Script:
Janet is thirty five years old. She has been married for sixteen years. She grew up as a member of the church and is a committed Christian. She has four children ages seven to 15. [Pause.] When Janet was a child, she saw her father hit her mother. He did it once or twice a week. Several times, Janet recalls, her mother had to go to the hospital. [Pause. Wait for one person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet's uncle molested her for five years. She was eight years old when it started. She was afraid to tell anyone. [Pause. Wait for a second person to come forward with a blanket.] When Janet was in high school, her pastor taught a course for the church youth group on marriage. He emphasized that marriage is forever, that it is sacred. [Pause. Wait for a third person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet quit school in her second year of college in order to marry Bob. He had a good job and he didn't want her to have to work outside the home. [Pause. Wait for a fourth person to come forward with a blanket.] Bob began abusing Janet the first year of their marriage when she was pregnant. She threatened to leave. He told her to forget it, saying that no one else would have her. She nearly lost the baby. [Pause. Wait for a fifth person to come forward with a blanket.] Five years and two children later, Janet went to her mother for help. Her mother said that this was just the way marriage was. It was her cross to bear and she had to accept it. [Pause. Wait for a sixth person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet thought about going to her minister. But her minister knew and respected Bob, who was an active lay leader in their church. She didn't think her minister would believe her stories of beatings, humiliations, and rapes. [Pause. Wait for a seventh person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet left once and went to stay with her best friend. Bob found her and told her that he had a gun. He said that he would use it if he had to. [Pause. Wait for an eighth person to come forward with a blanket]. [Address the person playing Janet.] "Janet, why do you put up with this? Why don't you just leave him?"
[The person under the blankets replies nonverbally by attempting to move but cannot get up because of the weight of the blankets.]
When you pause after reading each of the next statements, ask a participant to come forward and remove a blanket.
Janet remembered that her ninth grade Sunday school teacher taught her that she was a child of God and that God cared about her. [Pause.]
Janet read in the newspaper about a new law that said that husbands could be arrested for beating their wives. [Pause.]
Janet remembered that Mrs. Jackson, the mother of her best friend in high school, had divorced her husband and moved away. Janet knew that her friend's father had been abusive. [Pause.]
Janet read a story in Good Housekeeping magazine about a battered woman who was her age. Until then, she had thought she was the only one. [Pause.]
Janet read in her Bible: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." (1 Cor. 3:16-17) [Pause.]
Janet saw a newspaper ad for a battered women's shelter. She realized that there was a place to go and be safe. [Pause.]
Janet read in the church bulletin that there was a presentation at her church about battered women. She was afraid to go, but she thought that maybe this meant that her pastor would be willing to help her. [Pause.]
Bob hit their son and threw him across the room. Janet decided that she could not let her children be hurt any more. She knew that she had to protect them. [Pause.]
[Address the person playing Janet.]
"Janet, remember that 'for freedom Christ has set you free.' Go in peace."
Ask participants to take a few minutes to react to the presentation either in conversation with the person next to them or as a group.
The idea for this presentation was derived from an exercise developed by Ellen Pence and the Duluth Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota. Reprinted with permission 8/31/01.
Desired time: 65 - 110 minutes
Purpose:
Provide practical information about appropriate interventions
Clarify clergy and leader boundaries when a survivor or abuser has been identified
Direct participants to local resources
Strategies:
Discussion of actions you can take: 10 - 30 minutes
Community resources and legalities: 10 - 20 minutes
Scenarios: 45 - 60 minutes
Tips:
When covering actions you can take, be sure to reference the handout "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers" to stimulate later reading. During the advocate presentation, have handouts addressing resources.
Content:
Actions that people can take
State:
Resources and legalities
Community advocates are the best source of information and are usually willing to communicate their role, what is available in the community, and how they can help. Their presentation should include:
Scenarios
This component of the seminar brings everything together in practical discussions. The expertise of the educators is essential.
Directions:
Desired time: 40 - 45 minutes
Purpose:
To emphasize what the congregation has already done (5 minutes)
To provide examples of how some faith communities have helped victims ("Broken Vows" Video Part II - 30 minutes)
To introduce suggested actions faith communities can take (5 minutes)
To emphasize the importance of ongoing actions to assure sustainability
Strategies:
Presentation by faith community member outlining violence prevention activities the faith community has already done
Introduce other actions the faith community can take with practical suggestions
View Part II of the "Broken Vows" video to see examples of what others have done and how it has helped survivors
Tips:
Enlist a faith community member to present what the community has already done
Encourage them to share peace-making activities they have done
Emphasize that they need to foster sustainability of their work through various actions
Emphasize the success of creating a safe place depends on the awareness and ability of clergy and counselors to respond supportively and with insight
Reference the Pastor's Packet component of this manual
Content:
What the faith community has done: (2-5 minutes)
Brief presentation by faith community member
Broken Vows Video: (30 - 35 minutes)
Brief post-discussion of video
What congregations can do: (2-5 minutes)
One of the presenters introduces guidelines with suggestions
See handouts "Guidelines for Creating a Safe Place in Your Faith Community" (see page 149) and "How to Create a Safe Place in Your Faith Community."
Desired time: 5 minutes
Purpose:
To provide closure to participants and energize them to continue the work
To help them recognize their responsibility as people of faith to reach out to individuals suffering in abusive relationships
Components:
Good Samaritan story - two individuals read alternately: one reading the bold parts, the other reading the italicized parts
Tips:
State: "We all need to recognize that it is our calling and our personal responsibility to know what to do and then do it when we recognize someone who is hurting and being hurt. As people of faith, we are called to respond."
Content:
Reading "The Good Samaritan"
Adjournment:
Optional: Close with a prayer, a litany, a simple reflection or a moment of silence.
When you have completed the session:
Distribute a post-course questionnaire to each participant.
Suggestion: For optimal feedback, have participants complete the questionnaire prior to leaving.
The Good Samaritan
Jesus gave this illustration. A Jew going on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money and beat him up and left him lying half dead beside the road. Josie had been secretly abused by her husband for years. George stripped her of her self-esteem, dignity, her ability to be self-sufficient and her faith in God.
By chance, a Jewish priest came along and when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed by. By chance, Ellen, a woman from her church noticed the ugly bruise on Josie's forearm. But Ellen ignored the suspicious bruise and said nothing.
A Jewish temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but went on. Brad, one of the people on church council noticed the bruise and wondered if it was related to why she had not been attending church regularly. But he decided it was none of his business.
But a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw him, he felt deep pity. But Rose, Josie's neighbor, not a fellow church member, in fact had no church of her own, saw the bruise and felt deep pity for Josie.
Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his donkey and walked along beside him until they came to an inn, where he nursed him through the night. Rose noticed that George was not allowing Josie to go out much. But one day when Josie was taking the garbage to the curb, Rose stopped Josie and said, "I hope that bruise wasn't caused by someone who wanted to hurt you, because no one deserves that."
The next day he handed the innkeeper two 20 dollar bills and told him to take care of the man. "If his bill runs higher than that," he said, "I'll pay the difference next time I'm here." The next day when George left for work, Rose called Josie and said to her, "I'll baby-sit for you if you want to go out for a while." Later, Rose offered to drive Josie to a support group for battered women. Rose also secretly slipped Josie two 20 dollar bills.
Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the bandits' victim? Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to Josie, the victim of abuse?
The man replied, "The one who showed him some pity."
Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same."
The man replied, "The one who showed her some pity."
Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same."
The story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10:30-37. The story of the Good Samaritan found in a church, workplace or community near you.
Created by Jayne Kane of Encourage to Hope Ministries. Found in the paraphrased edition of the Living Bible. Reprinted with permission.
Participant Handouts List
All handouts are located in the Appendix unless otherwise noted.
Statistics
This chapter was written and compiled by Marlene B. Jezierski, R.N., B.A.N.
Generally speaking, material in this booklet makes references to both males and females when mentioning batterers and survivors. Although family violence victims and abusers can be either male or female, the vast majority of survivors are female and the vast majority of abusers are male.
The purpose of this manual is to provide information and suggestions to those individuals in faith communities who work on a personal basis with laity experiencing violence in the home. It is intended to provide suggested responses when identifying violent relationships.
Research has shown that, while clergy stated their training in counseling was lacking, 84% had counseled survivors of violence in the home in the course of their pastoral work (Weaver, 1995). In one study of 1,000 women who were survivors of family violence, one- third of them received help from clergy and one-tenth of the batterers were counseled by clergy (Weaver, 1995).
For your safety and the safety of others:
Those utilizing the information contained in this manual are reminded to apply the following principles when working with individuals experiencing or perpetrating violence in their homes:
Following are definitions of terms as they are used in this manual: (Excerpted and adapted from Domestic Violence Definitions by Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries. Reprinted with permission).
"Life was so painful, and I was spiritually lost. Pastor Pamela gave me plenty of space and time. 'What you've been through has been terribly unfair and wrong,' she said. 'It took a lot of courage and trust for you to share your story with me. I'm here to support you.' Her gentle and nonjudgmental approach was an important first step on my lifelong road to spiritual recovery." -Survivor
Myth: Family violence affects only a small percentage of the population.
One-third of all women have been kicked, hit or punched, choked, or otherwise physically abused by a spouse or partner in their lifetimes. Out of three million women, three percent reported domestic abuse during the past year. Sixteen percent reported they were either sexually or physically abused during their childhood (Commonwealth Fund Survey, 1998). In a survey conducted by the United Methodist Church, one in 13 church members responding had been physically abused by a spouse and one in four had been verbally or emotionally abused. An estimated 90% of all domestic violence incidences go unreported (MN Coalition of Battered Women).
Relying on faith:
In a study of 1,693 rural Minnesota women, 27% of those in Women, Infant and Children Clinics (WIC) and 18.3% of those in health care clinics reported experiencing physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse in the past year. One component of the study examined barriers to survivors obtaining help from health care providers. One particularly compelling finding identified that 47.6% of survivors said, "I would rather rely on God to help me," suggesting that clergy (and faith communities) need to understand the dynamics of family violence and recognize their role in supporting survivors and facilitating access to community resources (Kershner, 1998 and 1999).
Family violence survivors may:
Behavioral signs or "Red Flags" that may suggest violence in the home:
When receiving a crisis call from someone seeking help from an abusive relationship:
Ask questions if you have concerns that parishioners are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by an intimate partner, caretaker or someone important to them.
If you have reason to suspect that a parishioner who has come to you for counseling, or approached you in some way for support, may be being abused at home, it is very helpful if you ask the person if this is happening. It is appropriate to consider this question in many cases of troubled people who seek help from their clergy.
A simple, thoughtful, respectful question, gently posed in a soft tone of voice may elicit acknowledgment of a host of problems and concerns that the individual has been hiding and struggling with. Remember that abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional.
Elders and disabled
Remember, too, that elders and the disabled are also abused and are particularly vulnerable to inappropriate treatment. Consider asking them a question if you have concerns. Besides physical, sexual and emotional abuse, this population is also neglected and financially abused.
Ask in a manner that is:
Suggested questions
Suggested responses when someone discloses abuse
Remember: leaving does not necessarily end the abuse!
Encourage to Change
"My belief is that women turn first to ministers and members of the medical profession when they decide to disclose episodes of domestic violence. They need to understand that even if a victim does not have any broken bones or bruises, she still could be experiencing abuse. There is psychological and sexual abuse in so many marriages. Clergy shouldn't ask a victim why she's staying in an abusive marriage. Pastors need to also realize that there are many men sitting in the pews of their churches who go home after the service and abuse their wives." -Survivor
A violent act is the responsibility of the violent person...not the survivor.
There is a secret in faith communities. Many individuals are abusing their partners and children. Abusers may be leaders in the church, successful in business or as professionals, as well as blue collar workers or the poor. For generations this issue has long been kept behind closed doors and drawn curtains. Abusers traditionally have not been held accountable for their abuse. The entire community needs to accept responsibility in eliminating family violence and recognize opportunities to make peace.
Clergy and their faith communities are vital places to do this good work. They need to:
Battering is a learned behavior.
Battering in intimate relationships is difficult to stop because often perpetrators have learned to use violence as a way of managing every day stress and frustration. Sometimes this has taken the form of bullying other children or adults. This behavior may have been life long. Frequently, they have been violent throughout their relationships with their partners. They have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners.
A strong faith does not prevent battering.
Abuse in intimate relationships occurs when there is lack of understanding what it means to respond to the love of another as well as a fundamental lack of compassion. Both scripture and faith communities have been used to accept or condone violence in relationships. These same resources can also provide restraints against violence and define healthy, safe relationships. It takes much more than faith to prevent abuse. It requires acknowledgment of wrongdoing on the part of the perpetrator and a sincere desire and effort to change.
Proverbs 15:8-10. The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination for the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is his delight. The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but he loves the one who pursues righteousness. There is severe discipline for one who forsakes the way, but one who hates a rebuke will die. (Revised Standard Version)
(See ABC's of Men Who Batter; Abusers quotes; and Myths)
Abusers are sometimes extremely dependent on their partners for their sense of self-worth and a sense of control over their lives.
Many may believe "only sick, evil people are abusive." On the contrary, abusers usually appear to lead typical lives in most aspects, except they believe they are entitled to use violence and abuse to control the lives of their partners and families. They believe they have a right to abuse. They control others with violence to relieve tension and solve problems. They do not recognize their behavior as being violent. Often, these unacceptable behaviors are not challenged by society.
These interventions were adapted from a tool developed by EMERGE, 2380 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA, 02140. Reprinted with permission from EMERGE.
Most often, the prime objective with abusers is for the abuser to take responsibility for abusive behavior and to enter a treatment program.
Maintain confidentiality: do not discuss with the abuser what the survivor has shared with you.
Principles to apply if you meet with an abuser:
If the abusive person confronts you:
Ask specific, concrete questions that not only get to the specifics of the relationship but define violence. "How many times have you hit your partner?" "Have you ever choked your partner?" or "Have you pushed her?" "Have you ever pulled your partner's hair?" "Have you ever taken the car keys? Damaged property? Insulted family and friends? Made accusations of infidelity?"
Obtain some historical information in relationship to the battering including asking the following questions:
The abuser may have a long history of violence in his or her family of origin and will need help seeing the behavior as being violent and unacceptable. This should be a learning process to effect change and NOT an exercise in finding excuses for the violent behavior.
Remorse, repentance and responsibility
Marriage counseling
Spiritual support
There are times when it is appropriate and important to serve as spiritual advisor to a batterer. When this occurs, there are key principles to apply:
There is no short-term solution to a life of violence.
The safety of the survivor and children is your highest priority. Engaging the batterer in a change process is your second priority.
Standards for batterers' treatment programs - Philosophy statement**
*Controlling behaviors maintain an imbalance of power between the abuser and his or her partner. It includes any act that causes the victim to do something she doesn't want to do and prevents the survivor from doing something she wants to do or causes fear.
**Reprinted with permission from the Domestic Abuse Project, 204 W. Franklin Avenue, Mpls, MN, 55404.
Assess lethality*
There is no question that many abusers can be extremely dangerous. Their threats should be taken very seriously. If you can connect one or more of the following findings to the abuser or perpetrator, the element of danger to the survivor and the children increases exponentially.
Action when safety concerns exist:
If you have a concern for the survivor and family members based on findings from the checklist above:
*Adapted from: Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill, by Barbara Hart, 1990. Reprinted with permission from the PA Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300, Harrisburg, PA, 17112.
Batterers must not be diverted from prosecution.
(See Marriage and relationship: Understanding the intent of scripture)
"Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." Luke 6:28
While the scripture intends seeking help for those who are hurtful to others, its intent is not to accept this behavior. We should pray for perpetrators while recognizing that the church is intolerant of abusive behavior.
"Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:21-33
The Revised Standard Version states it slightly differently: "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Rev. Marie M. Fortune) The instruction to husbands is very clear and concrete. A husband is to nourish and cherish his own body and that of his wife. Physical battering which occurs between spouses is probably the most blatant violation of this teaching.
While intimate partner abuse/violence may be a common pattern in some relationships it can never be legitimized by scripture.
"Perhaps I could have been influential in bringing my husband to Christ. Yet, I had enough insight to know that if I didn't get out of the marriage I was going to die. But nobody, not the ministers nor my friends, were giving me permission to get out. No one ever called my husband on his inappropriate behavior. They simply kept talking about my responsibilities as a Christian wife." -Survivor
When there is mutual love and commitment and two people begin a new life and future together, couples look ahead with high expectations and hopes and dreams of a long and happy life. Both must exert energy towards fostering a stable, life-long relationship. This vision of a loving, respectful home presupposes there is mutual trust and respect, that neither partner will hurt the other physically, sexually or emotionally.
Sometimes hurtful behavior has been inappropriately justified by misinterpretation of scripture. "Spare the rod" or "Wives, submit to your husbands" are two examples of this inappropriate use of the Word of God. Use of scriptures by partners to incur physical, sexual or emotional harm on family members are misusing and misinterpreting these very scriptures. "A careful study of both Jewish and Christian scriptures makes it very clear that it is not possible to use scripture to justify abuse of persons in the family." (Rev. Marie M. Fortune, Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence) Fortune goes on to say that sometimes people explain suffering, as when being abused in a relationship, as God's punishment for past sins. These explanations assume God to be stern, harsh and even cruel and arbitrary. This image of God runs counter to a biblical image of a kind, merciful and loving God. The God of this biblical teaching does not single out anyone to suffer for the sake of suffering, because suffering is not pleasing to God.
When interpreting biblical texts, people frequently cite short passages out of context. Very often this skews the meaning of the passage, and sometimes actually results in an interpretation of meaning opposite of that intended by the writer. In the following scriptural analyses, the approach was to read the text in its literary and social context to understand the real intent of the meaning of the passage.
The following scripture references specifically provide a basis for a marriage that is free of physical, sexual and emotional abuse in the context of the scriptures.*
"Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21 "For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything to their husbands." - Ephesians 5:23-24
This passage is often brought to bear when the husband claims he has the right to abuse his wife saying "the husband is the head of the wife" (v. 23) and "wives ought to be everything (subject) to their husbands" (v. 24). Is this what the passage says? Is this what the author intends? In this case, several crucial verses and parts of verses have been omitted to achieve this gross and blatant misreading. The overall principle governing these verses in Ephesians is found in verse 21, "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." This passage, as well as others, does not serve the abuser's interests. He does not claim to be subject to his wife. But it does give us an idea about relationships between married people. This passage clearly explains what it means when it says that the husband is the head of the wife. The husband is to follow the model of Jesus' relationship with the church (v. 23) and the relationship between Jesus and the church is "Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (v. 25). Rev. Marie Fortune discusses this point as follows: "The model suggested here of husband-wife relationship is based on the Christ-church relationship. It is clear from Jesus' teaching and ministry that his relationship to his followers was not one of dominance or authoritarianism, but rather one of servant-hood. For example, Jesus washed the feet of his disciples in an act of serving. He taught them that those who would be first must, in fact, be last. Therefore, according to Ephesians, a good husband will not dominate or control his wife but will serve and care for her."
"In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church." - Ephesians 5:28-29
A further explanation of Christ's relationship to the church follows in subsequent verses from Ephesians. Paul explicitly tells husbands how to behave with respect to their wives' bodies. (See also I Corinthians 3:16-17 which als