[1]search | [2]site index | [3]faq | [4]about us | [5]what's new [6]Minnesota Center Against Violence and Abuse Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change Family Peacemaking Materials for Clergy, Lay Leaders, Staff & Laity Anoka County Faith Community Copyright 2000 [7]Health Ministries Network _________________________________________________________________ [8]Curriculum Outline and Background [9]Author's Note [10]Introduction [11]A Note to Trainers [12]Project Background - A Summary [13]Planning, Education and Implementation Process [14]Creating a Safe Place [15]Book I [16]Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change: Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders [17]Part 1-A: Introductions and Opening Comments [18]Part 1-B: Elements and Dynamics of Domestic Abuse [19]Part 1-C: Barriers [20]Part 1-D: Broken Vows Video [21]Part 2-A: Awareness Raising [22]Part 2-B: What to Say and Do [23]Part 2-C: What Congregations Can Do [24]Part 3: Closure [25]Book II [26]Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers A Manual for Faith Communities [27]Sources and acknowledgments [28]Book III [29]Pastor's Packet: Family Violence Awareness Materials for Pastors [30]Education Resources [31]Book IV [32]Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change Curriculum for Laity [33]Appendix [34]Handouts [35]Article [36]Brochure Curriculum Outline and Background Author's Note Funding for this manual has been provided by: * The Administration for Families and Children of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services * Allina Foundation, Minneapolis, Minnesota * Community Health Improvement Department of Mercy & Unity Hospitals, Minneapolis, Minnesota Introduction Faith communities are in a unique place and time to respond to the horrible social crime of domestic violence. In a study done in a rural Minnesota county, 47.6% of respondents with abuse histories said, "I would rather rely on God to help me." This suggests that clergy need to understand the dynamics of domestic violence and become aware of the advocacy programs available (Kershner M., Long D., Anderson J., unpublished data). When social services agencies in Santa Clara, California asked domestic violence victims where they first turned for help, their answer, overwhelmingly, was to their church. But when the victims were asked where support was most lacking, their answer was the same: the church (National Catholic Reporter, 7-4-01). A Note to Trainers This manual has four chapters with separate purposes and components that are interdependent. While the focus of these materials is Christian, it is hoped that other faith communities can modify the materials to reflect their particular faiths. 1. Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change: Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders. Course content and tools that teach domestic violence awareness and the role of clergy and lay leaders. This course should be co-taught by a representative of the faith community and a local advocacy services community educator. The curriculum can be covered in 4 - 6 hours in one or two sessions. Primary components are: + Leader's guide + Introductory module and two major subject areas + Dynamics of domestic violence - the impact of abuse on victims and barriers that make it difficult to change the abusive environment; and + What individuals and faith communities can do to help victims and batterers. 2. Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers A Manual for Faith Communities. This manual provides information and suggestions to those individuals in faith communities who work on a personal basis with laity experiencing violence in the home. It is intended to provide suggested responses when identifying violent relationships. Primary components are: + Definitions and statistics + Working with survivors and perpetrators + Safety plan + Marriage preparation + Use of scripture + Spiritual support measures + Community resources. 3. Pastor's Packet: Family Violence Awareness Materials for Pastors. A quick reference guide for pastors containing materials that can be used in services, publications and committees. This book includes: + General information about domestic violence + "Are you in an abusive relationship?" tool + Resources + How the faith community can help + A family pledge of non-violence + Materials for worship services + Education resources 4. Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change Curriculum for Laity. This curriculum is divided into 2 sessions and is intended for use as a two-part 45 or 60 minute adult forum. + Part I: Awareness raising and education + Part II : How to help those experiencing violence and those doing the violence, how individuals and the faith community can help. 5. Appendices. There are three supplemental appendices that accompany this manual: + Handouts + Article: "Hostages in the Home: Domestic Violence Seen Through Its Parallel, The Stockholm Syndrome" + Brochure: Content for faith communities Project Background - A Summary The process that led to this project really began in 1995 when screening for domestic violence was initiated as part of the nursing assessment at Mercy & Unity Hospitals in Anoka County, Minnesota. In 1997 a group of parish nurses attended a seminar sponsored by the Domestic Abuse Religious Task Force in Anoka County, MN. This task force was a part of the county's Alliance for a Violence - Free Anoka County also formed in 1997. As a result, domestic violence screening was integrated into the parish nurse's client assessment tool. In collaboration with the hospital violence educator, the Community Parish Nurse Program of Mercy & Unity Hospitals sponsored a workshop entitled, "People Are Hurting From Family Violence: How Churches Can Respond" in 1998. Well attended by area clergy, lay leaders, faith community staff and parish nurses the group asked for even more information, education and practical tools that would help them make their places of worship safe places to seek help. These requests motivated the production of a "Pastor's Packet" which provided basic information about domestic violence; what scriptures are often misused to excuse or explain a perpetrator's actions; how to incorporate the topic into sermons/homilies and worship; and local resources that are available to assist both survivors and perpetrators. This tool still left a gap, that of allowing for full understanding of the dynamics and cycle of violence. Planning, Education and Implementation Process The presence of parish nurses in six area congregations as part of the Community Parish Nurse Program provided a natural connection to education and screening activities occurring in the hospitals and clinics and prevention efforts in the community. The Administration for Families and Children of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the Allina Foundation and the Community Health Improvement Department of Mercy & Unity Hospitals together provided funding to develop curriculum, manuals and resource materials for use within faith communities. The project began by identifying and convening an interdisciplinary group of key stakeholders: * Clergy * Parish nurses * Faith community staff and lay leaders * Survivors of domestic violence and other experts * Mercy & Unity Hospitals' Community Health Improvement Department (co-coordinators for the project) * Violence Prevention Coordinator * Parish Nurse Coordinator * Alliance for a Violence Free Anoka County * Alexandra House, Inc., domestic violence services for women and families The task force developed the project mission and a work plan. The mission statement is: To develop a program which will provide clergy, staff, lay leaders and members of spiritual communities with: * The skills helpful in identifying survivors of family violence; * The ability to provide family violence survivors with support; * Tools which can contribute to the enhancement of a violence-free society; and * Knowledge and information about resources. This group first became educated about the various issues surrounding domestic violence to provide them with necessary information and appropriate tools before expanding it throughout their congregations. They participated in the development and approval of curriculum content, materials, brochures, posters, etc. to be used within their faith communities. The parish nurses were key in keeping the process going. Their experience in working with individuals, various groups and staff in faith communities was very valuable. They were the communication link between the project coordinators and the faith community staff. In addition, the parish nurses were part of a sub-group, which developed communication and awareness tools including brochures, posters and lapel pins. Early on, it was clear that some barriers existed. Time was a big issue - clergy schedules are busy and unpredictable. Assumptions and myths about domestic violence had to be addressed quickly - just because no one had come to them seeking help did not mean their congregation was free of the issue. From time to time the goals and expectations needed to be clarified. The sub-group that was formed to address some details kept things moving forward. With the help of an administrative assistant, the writing and actual development of materials was the responsibility of the co-coordinators of the grant and the consultant that had been hired. After clergy, staff (including the parish nurses) and lay leaders had their training, curriculum was developed for adults in the congregations. In order for this to take place, it became clear that someone (pastor, parish nurse, staff member or congregant) needed to play the role of "champion". Survivors of domestic violence started coming forward. They were glad that their place of worship was addressing the issue and that it was safe to talk about their personal struggles with domestic violence. All of that led to the need for even more education. There were questions such as: What about the perpetrators? How can they be helped? What about our children and teens? How can we keep this from happening in their lives? And then our older adults - what can be done to educate and support their special needs? A couple of the churches have schools on their campuses. Some teachers and school counselors attended the training session. The task force heard presentations by experts in each of these special areas and they were provided with community resources that address these specific issues. Creating a Safe Place While good work has been done by providing education to clergy, lay leadership and staff of 6 churches, it is clear ongoing education and awareness activities are essential to maintain awareness and sensitivity to these issues. Activities to achieve this goal must be pursued regularly. Book I Creating a Safe Place: Encourage to Change: Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders Book I Contributors Developed by: Marlene B. Jezierski, RN, BAN, Violence Prevention Educator Co-Editors: Lyla Pagels, RN, Parish Nurse Coordinator Mercy & Unity Hospitals, Minneapolis, Minnesota Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries, Minneapolis, Minnesota Based on curriculum from: DV101, Allina Hospitals and Clinics Encourage to Hope Ministries Faith Community Curriculum for Clergy and Lay Leaders Outline Before beginning, have participants complete pre-course questionnaire. Total time to complete Book I: 4 to 6 hours Table1.Curriculum Outline Part Subject Presenter AV Time (min.) 1-A Opening comments: * Opening prayer * Round robin: introductions * Housekeeping * Acknowledge survivors * Statistics * Definitions Educator or Advocate Overhead Handouts Total: 15-20 1-B Dynamics * Power and contro. 10 -15 min * Why people stay. 10 - 15 min * Survivor story. 20 - 45 min * Abuser attitudes. 5 - 10 min Advocate and Survivor Overhead Handouts Total: 45-80 1-C Barriers * To taking action in a faith community * Personal Group Discussion Total: 10-20 1-D Broken Vows Video Part I - Brief post-discussion Educator and Advocate VCR Total: 35 Break Total: 10-25 2-A Awareness raising: * Blanket exercise Educator and Advocate Total: 15 2-B What to say, what to do * Discussion of actions. 10 - 30 min * Resources, legalities. 10 - 20 min * Scenarios. 45 - 60 min Educator, Advocate and Small Groups Manual, Handouts and Scenarios Total: 65-110 2-C What congregations can do * What the participating congregation has already done. 3 - 5 min * Broken Vows Part II. 30 - 35 min * What the congregation can do. 3-5 min Parishioner and Educator VCR Total: 40-45 3 Closure: Good Samaritan 2 Readers Total: 5 Upon completion, have participants complete post-course questionnaire Instructions This manual provides course content and tools to teach domestic violence awareness and their role to faith community clergy and leaders. This course should be co-taught by a representative of the faith community and a local advocacy services community educator. Additional speakers such as a survivor are suggested. * The curriculum contains an introductory module and two major subject areas: + Dynamics: the impact of abuse on victims and barriers that make it difficult to change the abusive environment + What you can do: how individuals and faith communities can help victims and batterers * Each component can be presented independently. * Recommended course length: an absolute minimum of four hours, six is most desirable. + Strongly encouraged! If you are unable to get this amount of time, you will need to find other means to cover all of the basic curriculum. + Options to accommodate faith community time constraints: o Split the course in two and give on two separate days. o Have participants watch the "Broken Vows" video prior to attending class. * Suggested overheads* are indicated by a bold OH in the text. + For hard copies of overheads call: o The Community Health Improvement Department, Mercy & Unity Hospitals: 763-236-4342 OR E-mail: [37]lyla.pagels@allina.com *It is suggested that you customize overhead language to coordinate with local statistics, laws, local incidents, etc. to make the material most relevant to participants. If you are looking for a presenter (in Minnesota) contact: Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries. Phone: 952-448-7178. E-mail: [38]encouragetohope@aol.com Supplies Check-List * Lecture outline * VCR * Overhead projector * Overheads * Participant packets with all handouts * Attendance sheets * Pre- and post-seminar questionnaires * Flip chart and pens (optional) * Audio tape player and cassettes (optional - play before session begins, during break and small group sessions) * Teaching video(s) including "Broken Vows: Religious Perspectives on Domestic Violence" * Food and beverages Room Checklist * Is the seating arrangement comfortable? Can you make eye contact with all participants? Classroom style with tables in a U-shape is most desirable. * Is there a place for participants to place materials and write? * Can everyone see the video and overheads? * Does the audio-visual equipment work? * Do you know how to get help when you need it? * Is the room too hot or too cold? Educator Qualities The following criteria is suggested for any individuals assuming responsibility for conducting family violence educational sessions. * A high level of interest and commitment to violence prevention * Understanding of the dynamics and impact of family violence * Communication skills + Group facilitation skills OR the ability to learn + Ability to keep a group on track + Ability to clearly articulate concepts and methods to learners + Teaching style that is respectful, supportive, objective * Ability to provide support to individuals who find the content difficult or painful * Ability to work collaboratively with community partners and survivors in a classroom setting Key Issues and Points Partnership A teaching team composed of a champion/faith community member, survivor and an advocate from your local agency is very effective and can optimize the participant learning experience. The learning experience * Make the class as dynamic and interactive as you can. * Look to other presenters for feedback throughout. * Be continually aware of opportunities for participant involvement in the discussion. * Don't always answer participant questions right away, ask them what they think. However, stay on task! The education team members must all help with the delicate balancing act of presenting content while flexing to participants' needs. Begin and end on time. Plan on taking one fifteen-minute break. Resume promptly. Remain objective Educators will get a wide variety of comments in response to the content. This is good! You need to know what they are thinking. Always remember to be respectful of participants' opinions, remain supportive and validate comments. Examples of responses: * I can appreciate how you feel. Many people have said the same thing. * What would you do in that circumstance? * I'm really glad you asked that. That is a very important point. * You know, no one ever asked that before. What a good question. * You are right. It is often very hard to bring up the subject of possible violence in the home when the person who has come to you has not shared that. What is important is that you recognize the value of looking at all possibilities when working with someone and identify how you can overcome any of your personal discomfort. * It is not unusual to be concerned about how people will react when you begin. Primary prevention Encourage participants to seek ways to provide information to all their members. Mention that a rural Minnesota domestic violence study (Ottertail County) revealed that over 50% did not know of local services, and that almost 50% of survivors in that study said they would rather rely on God than seek help. Collect stories An effective teaching tool is story telling - examples that will encourage participants to reach out. Preserving confidentiality, write down stories you hear so you can remember them for later classes. Language Emphasize that when speaking to community members or preaching, it is more helpful to use words like "hurtful" and "disrespectful" and to avoid words like "abusive," "violent" or "battering." Some may not want to be labeled, others may not know what abuse is because it is the norm in their life. Consider using "survivor" instead of "victim." The latter can denote powerlessness, the former is a positive, supportive word. Communication points * Remember to respect participants' knowledge level. * Do not make assumptions about their knowledge and experience. * Capitalize on their expertise. Focus on behaviors rather than gender. Consider the following points: * Current research shows that 95% of physical battering is perpetrated by men against women, but it is important to recognize that many groups are physically, sexually and emotionally battered and that sometimes females are the abusers. * Battering occurs in elders, teens, and gay and lesbian populations. * Adult children batter their parents. * An item to highlight to participants: ironically, various behaviors described in the power and control wheel are often considered to be "normal" or "acceptable." If you have a large audience, be absolutely certain you can be heard. Generally, it is easier for the audience when the speaker uses a microphone if there is a large group. It can become an emotional issue. Be forewarned that when painful information is presented, it can be emotionally difficult for both participants and educator. Creating a Safe Place Objectives Provide an understanding of the dynamics of abusive relationships, the elements of power and control and their impact on survivors of domestic violence. Discuss barriers which prevent faith communities from identifying and providing support to community members who are possibly or actually experiencing family violence and ways in which these barriers can be overcome. Provide information related to what can be said to survivors of domestic violence. Provide suggested actions a faith community can take to help survivors of domestic violence. Create insight related to limitations of clergy and lay leader roles when providing support to survivors and abusers, boundaries that should be respected and the appropriate use of referral resources. Part 1-A: Introductions and Opening Comments As participants begin to gather, have them complete the pre-course questionnaire (found in Appendix). Desired Time: 15 - 20 minutes Purpose: * Set the tone for the class * Identify participant learning needs * Capture attention and motivate people to create a safe place and continue to learn * Define violence * Introduce objectives * Engage participants and encourage class participation * Provide support for survivors in the audience Strategies: * Handout overview * A prayerful beginning * Round robin introductions * Acknowledge survivors * Background information: statistics, etc. Content: Tips: AV - Consider playing music and/or displaying a violence-free overhead as participants gather. OH - You are the one who can make the peace. Start on time. * Begin with basic activities that can include latecomers in tone-setting activities. * Explain handouts and mention objectives. Open class: * Welcome participants and introduce teaching team * Open with a prayer + NOTE: Arrange ahead of time for one of the participants to do the prayer. * Make any necessary housekeeping announcements: breaks, etc. * Consider sharing how you got involved or an experience that motivates you * Explain that due to amount of material, you will be moving the group forward at times * Encourage participants to feel free to leave, that some of the material may become difficult + NOTE: If a participant leaves, check to see if the individual needs any support. Optimally, it may be most helpful that the person offering help is the advocate. * Mention handouts follow sequence of class, encourage them to refer to handouts later. OH - You cannot fix the problem BUT You can offer support and resources. State: "We can make a big difference by opening doors and planting seeds. We have to remember that, rather than telling survivors what they should do, we should be there for them and provide them with support and resources." Group member introductions In a round robin format ask participants to: * introduce themselves * state what their role is in the church * indicate what they hope to get from the class OH - Sad face Acknowledge the artist: "The artist is a nurse who is also a survivor. She shares her art with others to express her experience as a way of helping people understand the personal impact of violence." Acknowledge survivors and/or participants who are touched in a personal way by violence in the home. Make a sincere, supportive statement such as: "Whenever a group of any size gathers, survivors or those who have been touched by family violence are present. All of us teaching today want you to know that we are very sorry this has happened or is happening to you or someone you care about. No one deserves to be intentionally hurt; you did not cause it." OH - Violence Definition (from MN Health Care Coalition on Violence) "Violence is the threatened or actual use of force against a person or group that either results in or is likely to result in: injury, death, emotional damage or coerced behavior." State: "Violence may be defined in various ways. Not everyone considers coercion and intimidation to be violent. Simply stated, 'violence is words and actions that hurt people.'" "A more comprehensive version is one from the Health Care Coalition on Violence. Note that this definition emphasizes threatened or actual use of force, and can be behavior that results in emotional damage or coerced behavior as well as injury." OH - Women's Health Survey (rural study) State: "This study was done by a public health nurse in Ottertail County, Minnesota. Nearly 1700 women responded. As you can see, violence is not limited to the cities." (Source: Kershner, M. Journal of Public Health Nursing, December, 1998) Use local statistics. (See "Statistics" handout in Appendix page 167) OH - (Numerous slides that set the stage providing statistical, cultural and religious examples.) The purpose of these overheads is to gain interest and to focus on the global nature of violence and its connection with family violence. Show several overheads illustrating how violence is condoned, overlooked and minimized in various situations such as the legal system, humor, and the media. OH - Why should faith communities get involved in domestic violence issues? Domestic violence isn't even in the Bible . . . is it? Ask: IS family violence addressed in the Bible? Can anyone think of any examples? Where might the first incident be? The speaker should prepare for this segment of the curriculum by reading and reflecting on one or more of the following and be prepared to discuss these examples. The intent of this component is to bring awareness to participants that the issue existed and was a problem. Samples of scripture references: * Genesis 4 (Cain & Abel) * Genesis 37 (Joseph) * Luke 22 & 23 (Jesus) Part 1-B: Elements and Dynamics of Domestic Abuse Desired Time: * 45 - 80 minutes * 10 - 15 minutes for power and control * 10 - 15 minutes for "Why people stay" exercise * 20 - 50 minutes for filling in the blanks regarding why people stay * 5 - 10 minutes for abuser attitudes Purpose: * Provide basic knowledge about the dynamics of family violence * Provide a forum of understanding why people stay, the dangers of leaving * Provide a definition of domestic violence Strategies: * Statistics, definition, power and control * "Why people stay" exercise * Completing discussion of why people stay Materials: * Power and control wheels * "Why people stay" exercise Tips: * Ask local advocacy services to present. * Story telling is very helpful and makes the content come alive. * Optimize the discussion/brainstorming component to encourage involvement. Content: OH - Pain has no gender, no race, no culture, no income level, no class. Jeri Martinez, Vermont Network against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. State: "Batterers use various tactics to gain and maintain control over their victims. These tactics work because they are human tactics. There is no way to quantify the pain victims feel. All victims feel pain whether they are female or male, old or young, poor or rich, encompassing all races and cultures. Overwhelmingly, research shows that 90 to 95% of reported domestic abuse are female victims and male perpetrators. This is not to say that males are not abused as well." - Martinez Consider leaving this message up on a flip-chart stating you do this to honor and remember the pain suffered by all victims, both women and men. OH - Domestic abuse: Is power and control of one person over another. Is the use of violence or threat of violence to control another. Results in low self-esteem and belief that the survivor is the reason for the abuse. Another definition to consider using: Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, and isolation to coerce and control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing fact. (Uniform Crime Reports, Federal Bureau of Investigation, 1990) OH - Power and control wheel Introduce the Power and Control Wheel and encourage participants to look at others in their packet later. (See handout in Appendix) State: "The Power and Control Wheel was developed in Duluth, Minnesota, and is used all over the world to help people understand the dynamics that go into abusive relationships. The center of the wheel symbolizes the center driving force of the problem: power and control. The various elements of emotional abuse are held together by sexual and physical violence. While all abused persons are emotionally abused, not everyone is physically or sexually abused. You have other wheels in your packet, and I encourage you to look at those later." Consider involving participants in the discussion by asking with each component: "What would be an example of..." (intimidation and threats), then elaborate. Following are examples of each component. Spiritual abuse: * Preventing the partner from going to church or practicing a religious faith * Quoting scripture to manipulate the partner * Using a position of authority in the church to keep the partner quiet * Saying God does not care for her or him * Telling the children that mom or dad's religion is phony or fake * Saying he or she would stop the violence if she/he would be more submissive * Bringing up past sins * Saying the partner is not a good Christian/Jew/Muslim * Controlling the amount of money donated to the faith community Emotional abuse: * "You are stupid, ugly, fat, a bad mother, a horrible housekeeper." * "You're lucky to have me, no one else would have you." * "I didn't ask for pork I asked for beef. You bitch, you can't do anything right." * Frequent cursing of partner, use of crude, demeaning words Isolation: * Moving out into the country * "I don't like your mother, she's an idiot, let's just you and I be together." * "That friend of yours is a whore, I don't want you to see her." * "I want to spend as much time with just you, I love you so much." Minimizing, denying, blaming: * "If you weren't such a lousy mother the kids wouldn't be such idiots." * "What is your problem? I didn't hit you that hard. Don't make a big deal out of it." * "I didn't push you, you fell into that cupboard, as usual you're making things up. You are a real nut case." Using children: * "You leave and you'll never see the kids again." * "No court in the land would give you the children, you're such a bad mother." * Telling the children to hit, spit on or ignore the survivor * Not allowing the children to talk to or be near the survivor Using "privilege": * Being in charge, making all the decisions * Refer to the equality wheel to describe opposite behaviors Economic abuse: * Giving an unrealistically small allowance for household needs * "One woman made $100,000 a year, her husband was a house husband who had total control over the money. When she left she had nothing." Coercion and threats AND using intimidation: * Killing family pets. "One batterer called his wife in the hospital saying he wanted her home. She stayed one more day and when she got home, her dog was gone. Her husband had had it put to death." * Smashes fists into walls, breaking windows/doors * Threatens to commit suicide, takes a gun out and threatens her or the kids * Lesbian or gay relationship: threatens to "out" or reveal the survivor's sexual preference to people who do not know - such as parents or coworkers Make note of the equality wheel. (See handout in Appendix) State: "Sometimes when I talk about power and control, some individuals begin to look at their own relationship. The distinction is that power and control is the driving element in an abusive relationship. The equality wheel illustrates healthy relationships." Statement connecting the elements of the power and control wheel with Biblical references. State: "Think about the stories we identified as examples of family violence earlier. What behaviors and actions in those bible stories, or others, are reflected in the power and control wheel?" State: "Scripture from Ephesians 5:21, is frequently mis-used in abusive relationships by abusers. Women who are being abused have often been told they are to be subject to their husbands. What part of Ephesians, which is usually not quoted, changes the context of that reading? How do you respond to the use of violence in a relationship in the context of power and control?" Encourage participants to refer to the manual, "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers, a Manual for Faith Communities," (beginning on page 35). Ephesians and other readings addressing the rights of wives to be respected and safe are discussed on pages 58 and 60-63) . State: "Some additional power and control wheels are included in your handouts. Take some time after class to review them. They reflect issues related to specific groups such as the elderly and teens". Why people stay in abusive relationships. Group Exercises: These exercises help participants understand how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. Select one of the three to use. Exercise option one: State: "Take a few moments to focus on a particular time of stress in your life. Respond to the following questions as they relate to that stressful time." Be prepared with two or three key elements if they have difficulty answering. Ask each of the four following questions. Write their responses (in removable ink) on overheads (or use a flip chart). Use 4 overheads, one for each question. Number them to keep them straight. Following are a few examples of what people might say. OH - Question l: What happens to you when you are stressed? * Headaches * Muscle tension * Unable to sleep * Stomach problems OH - Question 2: What do you (or others) do to cope with the stress? (Also: What are some unhealthy ways in which people cope with stress?) * Drink, smoke, do drugs * Talk to a friend * Sleep * Exercise OH - Question 3: What do you say to yourself during stressful times? * This, too, shall pass. * Hang in there. * It's not that bad. * You are stupid to have gotten yourself into this situation. OH - Question 4: Why do you keep doing that which stresses you? * Financial reasons * I like what I do. * Some level of comfort with what I am doing * I don't have a lot of options. Group Discussion: Begin by placing the "What happens to you when you are stressed?" responses on the projector. Taking one or more of the class examples, elaborate, paralleling what people who are safe do with those who are in an abusive home. This exercise is intended to help participants relate more to people in battering/harmful/unhealthy relationships. Tell them that many of the responses they gave are the same for people in battering situations. Put each of the overheads with group responses on the projector in turn and briefly discuss, challenging participants to think. What happens to you when you are stressed? "Think for a moment how difficult it is to function well when you can't sleep, and what an impact insomnia would have on a survivor who is being battered and has low self-esteem." What do you do to cope? "Many of the normal coping mechanisms (shop, take a long bath, take a walk) are not options for survivors. They frequently can't talk to anyone, they are isolated or don't have the self-esteem to believe anyone else would care. So they repress their feelings. Because of this, many coping mechanisms of survivors are unhealthy." What do you say to yourself? "Survivors say pretty much the same things you say." "They blame themselves for the situation." "Their low self-esteem makes it harder for them to see their strengths and potential." Why do you keep doing that which stresses you? "The issue of finances is almost always a huge issue for people who are battered." "Survivors often feel they have little choice." "It isn't always bad at home. They have good days, they love their families." "It is not unusual for survivors to minimize what is happening to them." Complete discussion with a summary comment: "It is so hard to understand when you aren't in an abusive relationship. Perhaps this exercise helps illustrate some elements of the dynamics of remaining in an abusive relationship." Exercise option two: This is a simple scenario that describes a possible real-life situation. It is intended to elicit discussion that results in understanding the difficulties survivors face. Prior to reading the scenario, distribute seven response cards randomly to participants. Ask them to read the card out loud when you prompt them. The individual responses should be placed on cards for participants to read. The responses are as follows: * Sister: + You're so lucky to have Oliver. I'm so lonely now that my husband is gone. * Law enforcement: + Unless there's physical proof of an assault, fear isn't enough. * Clergy: + I've explained to you that second marriages are tough. Oliver must be having difficulty adjusting. * Landlord: + I've received complaints about another loud argument last night. If you two don't keep it down, you'll be asked to leave. * Friend: + I know that you and I have met for lunch every Monday for years. But, you newlyweds need your time together. * Banker: + I understand why you share an account with your husband. It really secures your finances. You're lucky to have a man like Oliver. * Doctor: + Well, your heart checked out okay. You seem nervous and depressed. I am sending you to a nutritional counselor since I noticed you appear to bruise easily. State: "I'm going to read a story about a woman who is like many of us. Take special note of how she reaches out time and time again for help. When I refer to the person on the card such as landlord or doctor, please read the response written on the card." Read the following out loud: "My name is Gloria. I am 70 years old. I was married to Harold for 48 years. We have four children, all who live in different states. Harold was a wonderful husband and a good provider. Harold died last year from lung cancer." "Ten months after Harold's death I met Oliver. Oliver was funny, caring, compassionate and romantic. I introduced him to my children and grandchildren. They all loved him. My friends thought I was lucky to have found someone who was so charming." "Before we got married, I sold my home. We planned to live in Oliver's apartment until we could find a place of our own. Once I moved in, we never went to look for another place." Gloria says to her sister: "Oliver isn't the same as he used to be." And her sister says... She says to law enforcement: "I'm afraid of my husband." And law enforcement says... She says to her clergyman: "Oliver seems angry." And her clergyman says... She says to her landlord: "I'd like to talk about my lease." And her landlord says... She says to her friend: "Oliver likes me to stay home." And her friend says... She says to her banker: "I'd like to talk about my account." And her banker says... She says to her doctor: "I've been feeling stressed lately." And her doctor says... Brief Group Discussion Ask: "How do you think Gloria felt?" After discussion, summarize key learning points. State: "Oftentimes, we only know a little of the whole story. People in abusive situations may often reach out tentatively to many and get such responses." "Think about anyone in this kind of a situation. How do you suppose Gloria, or anyone else feels as they reach out for help, support or affirmation?" Exercise option three: Ask participants to reflect on some or all of the following questions. Read questions aloud. A Quiz: Have you ever.....................* * Said you would never forgive someone, then did anyway? * Said you would never give someone a chance, and then decided it wouldn't be right to refuse one more sincere attempt? * Thought it wouldn't be reasonable to refuse to talk over a situation that you were clearly wronged? * Stayed in a job where you were being badly treated? * Stayed in a job only because you were well paid? * Stayed in a job because you had no alternative? * Stayed in a job because you thought it would get better? * Resisted saying what you thought because you might get punished? * Gone along with an authority figure because it was your duty? * Gone along with an authority figure because they were paying your way? * Gone along because you didn't want to cause trouble? * Decided not to point out someone's error because it might embarrass them? * Inhibited your objections to the behavior of someone who seemed to be "crazy" or frightened you? Ask: So..................why do people stay in abusive relationships? Thoughtful reflection on these questions is enlightening. Spend a minute or two getting feedback and hearing how the questions brought a different perspective. * Developed by and used with permission from Gail Holdeman, MSW, LICSW, Central Center for Family Resources, Blaine, MN Other Elements of People Staying OH - Why people stay in abusive relationships Complete the discussion. Touch briefly on some of the points that did not come out. Use overhead to emphasize points. Refer participants to "Barriers: Realities that Prevent Family Violence Survivors from Looking for Help," (see Appendix pages 143-144 and "Why Do I Stay?" page 168). State: "The fact is, it is totally untrue that they just stay. Survivors are constantly trying to change their situation and/or get out of it. Fear is one of the most important factors in people staying. A significant percent of murders of battering victims occur AFTER the person leaves the relationship." Survivor Story Desired Time: 20 - 45 minutes Purpose: Provide participants with opportunity to gain insight into a real-life situation. Strategy: Presentation by speaker or an advocate who is able to share a personal story Tips: If you have a survivor speak, consider the following: * Meet with the person if she or he has never told their story before. * Ask the survivor to share experiences with the faith community. * Review "Speaking to faith community leaders: notes to survivors," with the speaker (see next page). Content: Option 1: Lecture: Survivor story Introduce speaker. Have tissues available. When introducing, emphasize the incidence of battering. Encourage the participants to identify the many aspects of power and control and reasons people stay in abusive relationships as they listen to the talk. Question and answer period When survivor has finished, debriefing is important. Consider what might feel appropriate. Suggestions include: * Give the speaker a hug. * Express appreciation on behalf of the group and for taking a risk. Encourage questions. Look for a participant who may exhibit signs of wanting to ask. Have a couple of questions prepared in case there are none, such as: * What words or actions are the most helpful and least helpful? * Were things done or said that made you feel badly about yourself? * Please tell us why it is important faith communities are responsive to survivors. Participants sometimes have many questions and it is necessary to close the discussion. Speaking to faith community leaders: Notes to survivors Your contribution to family violence education, sharing your story, is the most important part of our education. Your willingness to share is greatly appreciated. Through your message, people will understand power and control and be motivated to begin doing abuse screening. You will find that many will be deeply grateful to you. Others in the audience have shared your experience themselves. Before deciding to share your story, be sure you are ready to speak about such painful experiences to others. In order to optimize your presentation's effectiveness, consider the following: * Preparation + Practice so you are comfortable with the words and know how long the talk is. + Use an outline, notes, cards, or read from a written text. + Tell your own story sequentially, from the beginning to the present. * Suggested speech outline and structure + Background of past relationship: length, children, good times + Current status: working, housewife, living situation + Your childhood history + When the abuse began and specific examples of what your abuser did + Share examples of abuse related to your religion. Were you prevented from going to church, or donating money or time to church activities? Is your abuser a church leader? etc. + What you did when these things happened, how you felt + How you were controlled, hurt, humiliated, downtrodden + What happened when you reached out to others? What helped? What did not? + ANY experiences with faith community leaders or clergy that were negative OR positive* + How you came to get help, did someone help you? + How the system failed or helped you + The healing process *Extremely helpful!! Tips * It is invaluable for faith community members to hear you say how important it is to be supported, acknowledged, and hear affirming words such as "God loves you" and "God does not want you to suffer." * Tell people in the class what words and actions were especially helpful for you. * Specific examples are strong educational tools, they help provide insight and motivation. Developed by Marlene Jezierski, RN, 1997. Rev. 2001. Option two: If you are unable to find a survivor to share a story, use stories from the "Broken Vows" video. It contains several powerful, moving stories that provide insight. Abuser attitudes Desired Time: 5 - 10 minutes Purpose: To introduce some of the basic concepts related to abusers To address some myths associated with abusers Strategy: Briefly mention there is much to be learned about abusers, that the issues related to them are only briefly referred to in this class and in the video. Consider having a guest speaker for another session to provide in-depth information. Content: Refer participants to the following components of "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers," a Manual for Faith Communities (Book II beginning on page 35). Mention the content contained which includes: * Understanding abusers (see pages 51-52) * The ABC's of Men Who Batter (see pages 68-70) * Myths about abusers (see page 72) * Emphasize that it is essential abusers be held accountable for their actions. Part 1-C: Barriers Desired Time: 10 - 20 minutes Purpose: To help participants begin thinking about what issues they should address in their faith communities and how they can go about it. To help participants begin to address barriers on a personal level. Strategy: Flip chart or OH brainstorm responses, follow with discussion. (See "Helping Individuals in Domestic Violence Situations - Barriers to Faith Communities," pages 151-152). This is an interactive discussion where participants' individual concerns are raised and discussed. This portion helps participants move past reluctance and discomfort to recognition of their role. Tips: This component can be shortened if time is an issue. Key points to emphasize in this exercise: * You can't fix the problem, but you can offer support and resources. * Emphasize a supportive, nonjudgmental, accepting, affirming, attitude. * Emphasize limitations of their role and necessity to refer to experts (unless they have domestic violence advocacy in their area of expertise) . Content: Brainstorming State: "Just for a moment, let's brainstorm some major issues that can interfere with faith communities providing help to abuse survivors or abusers." Write responses on flip-chart or overhead. Ask: "Now, think about barriers on a personal level. What prevents you from addressing this issue?" Discuss identified barriers: ("Christian Myths about Sexual & Domestic Abuse," (see pages 90-92); "Family Violence: Myths & Misconceptions," (see pages 145-148); and "Helping Individuals in Domestic Violence Situations - Barriers to Faith Communities," (see pages 151-152). Review participant handouts and be prepared to discuss them. When you are not sure, ask participants what they think. Closure "We all have barriers, but once we acknowledge them, we can begin to address them." Part 1-D: Broken Vows Video Desired time: 35 minutes Purpose: Provide concrete examples of survivor stories and their experiences with faith communities Identify the responsibilities faith communities have towards members who are in abusive relationships Strategies: VCR "Broken Vows" video Tips: Allow a short period for debriefing and then take a break. Consider utilizing the discussion guide which accompanies the video. It contains many valuable discussion questions and provides guidance to leaders. Content "Broken Vows" Part I. A teaching video available through: Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence, 2400 N. 45th Street, Suite 10, Seattle, WA, 98103. Phone number: 206-634-1903; at a cost of $139 to purchase or $50 to rent. Part 2-A: Awareness Raising Desired time: 15 minutes Purpose: Provide a genuine sense of the survivor perspective A subtly impactful physical demonstration of the effect of multiple violations upon a person's self-esteem and the isolation survivors experience Strategies: A reader One of the presenters sitting in a chair 8 blankets Tip: The person sitting under the blankets must not be claustrophobic! Content: Why People Stay - Audience Exercise read by one and demonstrated by one or more volunteers. Why People Stay - Audience Exercise 2-A Janet's Story: A Case History The purpose of this presentation is to help participants visualize the way in which the circumstances of a battered woman's life limits her options. This is the most graphic way to answer their persistent question, "Why does she stay?" Be prepared with a pile of eight blankets, quilts or bedspreads. One workshop leader or planner reads the script of Janet's story. Another workshop leader sits on a chair in front of the group. The reader asks the participants to listen to each statement from Janet's story, giving the instruction that, after each statement, one participant is to come forward and place a blanket over the person seated on the chair in front. Script: Janet is thirty five years old. She has been married for sixteen years. She grew up as a member of the church and is a committed Christian. She has four children ages seven to 15. [Pause.] When Janet was a child, she saw her father hit her mother. He did it once or twice a week. Several times, Janet recalls, her mother had to go to the hospital. [Pause. Wait for one person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet's uncle molested her for five years. She was eight years old when it started. She was afraid to tell anyone. [Pause. Wait for a second person to come forward with a blanket.] When Janet was in high school, her pastor taught a course for the church youth group on marriage. He emphasized that marriage is forever, that it is sacred. [Pause. Wait for a third person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet quit school in her second year of college in order to marry Bob. He had a good job and he didn't want her to have to work outside the home. [Pause. Wait for a fourth person to come forward with a blanket.] Bob began abusing Janet the first year of their marriage when she was pregnant. She threatened to leave. He told her to forget it, saying that no one else would have her. She nearly lost the baby. [Pause. Wait for a fifth person to come forward with a blanket.] Five years and two children later, Janet went to her mother for help. Her mother said that this was just the way marriage was. It was her cross to bear and she had to accept it. [Pause. Wait for a sixth person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet thought about going to her minister. But her minister knew and respected Bob, who was an active lay leader in their church. She didn't think her minister would believe her stories of beatings, humiliations, and rapes. [Pause. Wait for a seventh person to come forward with a blanket.] Janet left once and went to stay with her best friend. Bob found her and told her that he had a gun. He said that he would use it if he had to. [Pause. Wait for an eighth person to come forward with a blanket]. [Address the person playing Janet.] "Janet, why do you put up with this? Why don't you just leave him?" [The person under the blankets replies nonverbally by attempting to move but cannot get up because of the weight of the blankets.] When you pause after reading each of the next statements, ask a participant to come forward and remove a blanket. Janet remembered that her ninth grade Sunday school teacher taught her that she was a child of God and that God cared about her. [Pause.] Janet read in the newspaper about a new law that said that husbands could be arrested for beating their wives. [Pause.] Janet remembered that Mrs. Jackson, the mother of her best friend in high school, had divorced her husband and moved away. Janet knew that her friend's father had been abusive. [Pause.] Janet read a story in Good Housekeeping magazine about a battered woman who was her age. Until then, she had thought she was the only one. [Pause.] Janet read in her Bible: "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." (1 Cor. 3:16-17) [Pause.] Janet saw a newspaper ad for a battered women's shelter. She realized that there was a place to go and be safe. [Pause.] Janet read in the church bulletin that there was a presentation at her church about battered women. She was afraid to go, but she thought that maybe this meant that her pastor would be willing to help her. [Pause.] Bob hit their son and threw him across the room. Janet decided that she could not let her children be hurt any more. She knew that she had to protect them. [Pause.] [Address the person playing Janet.] "Janet, remember that 'for freedom Christ has set you free.' Go in peace." Ask participants to take a few minutes to react to the presentation either in conversation with the person next to them or as a group. The idea for this presentation was derived from an exercise developed by Ellen Pence and the Duluth Abuse Intervention Project, Duluth, Minnesota. Reprinted with permission 8/31/01. Part 2-B: What to Say and Do Desired time: 65 - 110 minutes Purpose: Provide practical information about appropriate interventions Clarify clergy and leader boundaries when a survivor or abuser has been identified Direct participants to local resources Strategies: Discussion of actions you can take: 10 - 30 minutes Community resources and legalities: 10 - 20 minutes Scenarios: 45 - 60 minutes Tips: When covering actions you can take, be sure to reference the handout "Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers" to stimulate later reading. During the advocate presentation, have handouts addressing resources. Content: Actions that people can take State: * "Become informed. The more you can recognize signs, the better help you can be." Refer to "Indicators of possible abuse." * "Be comfortable asking questions. Be sure the setting is confidential." Refer to "Asking a question: Is your partner hurting you?" * "Respond with an attitude of openness, lack of judgment, acceptance and support." Refer to "Suggested responses when someone discloses abuse." * "Use words of comfort and affirmation." + "I am so sorry this happened to you." + "You don't deserve it. You did not cause this to happen." + "It must have taken a lot of courage for you to tell me this." + "There is help for you." * "One of your most important roles is spiritual support. Use phrases such as: + "God loves you. God does not want anyone to be hurt in this way." + "I do not believe God is punishing you." + "Would you like it if we pray together?" * "Your prime focus should be a goal of safety for the survivor and ending the violence." + "Take fear of danger very seriously." + "Do not put yourself at risk." + "Seek help from local advocates." * "Abusers must be held accountable!" Resources and legalities Community advocates are the best source of information and are usually willing to communicate their role, what is available in the community, and how they can help. Their presentation should include: * Community resources available to survivors * Resources available to abusers * Function of their agency * Mention of other agencies that are resources * Information about legalities: what is and is not reportable * Note Resource list Scenarios This component of the seminar brings everything together in practical discussions. The expertise of the educators is essential. Directions: * Form small groups of three to five people * Provide copies of the scenario packet to each of them * Assign a different scenario to each group * Direct participants to read their scenario, then discuss using the questions provided to stimulate discussion * Allow 10 minutes for small group discussion * Bring the large group back together and debrief each scenario * Reference Book II (beginning on page 35) as a resource * Emphasize the expertise and skills present in the room * Allow them to problem solve together as a group and identify their strengths and goals for this work Part 2-C: What Congregations Can Do Desired time: 40 - 45 minutes Purpose: To emphasize what the congregation has already done (5 minutes) To provide examples of how some faith communities have helped victims ("Broken Vows" Video Part II - 30 minutes) To introduce suggested actions faith communities can take (5 minutes) To emphasize the importance of ongoing actions to assure sustainability Strategies: Presentation by faith community member outlining violence prevention activities the faith community has already done Introduce other actions the faith community can take with practical suggestions View Part II of the "Broken Vows" video to see examples of what others have done and how it has helped survivors Tips: Enlist a faith community member to present what the community has already done Encourage them to share peace-making activities they have done Emphasize that they need to foster sustainability of their work through various actions Emphasize the success of creating a safe place depends on the awareness and ability of clergy and counselors to respond supportively and with insight Reference the Pastor's Packet component of this manual Content: What the faith community has done: (2-5 minutes) Brief presentation by faith community member Broken Vows Video: (30 - 35 minutes) Brief post-discussion of video What congregations can do: (2-5 minutes) One of the presenters introduces guidelines with suggestions See handouts "Guidelines for Creating a Safe Place in Your Faith Community" (see page 149) and "How to Create a Safe Place in Your Faith Community." Part 3: Closure Desired time: 5 minutes Purpose: To provide closure to participants and energize them to continue the work To help them recognize their responsibility as people of faith to reach out to individuals suffering in abusive relationships Components: Good Samaritan story - two individuals read alternately: one reading the bold parts, the other reading the italicized parts Tips: State: "We all need to recognize that it is our calling and our personal responsibility to know what to do and then do it when we recognize someone who is hurting and being hurt. As people of faith, we are called to respond." Content: Reading "The Good Samaritan" Adjournment: Optional: Close with a prayer, a litany, a simple reflection or a moment of silence. When you have completed the session: Distribute a post-course questionnaire to each participant. Suggestion: For optimal feedback, have participants complete the questionnaire prior to leaving. The Good Samaritan Jesus gave this illustration. A Jew going on a trip from Jerusalem to Jericho was attacked by bandits. They stripped him of his clothes and money and beat him up and left him lying half dead beside the road. Josie had been secretly abused by her husband for years. George stripped her of her self-esteem, dignity, her ability to be self-sufficient and her faith in God. By chance, a Jewish priest came along and when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed by. By chance, Ellen, a woman from her church noticed the ugly bruise on Josie's forearm. But Ellen ignored the suspicious bruise and said nothing. A Jewish temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but went on. Brad, one of the people on church council noticed the bruise and wondered if it was related to why she had not been attending church regularly. But he decided it was none of his business. But a despised Samaritan came along, and when he saw him, he felt deep pity. But Rose, Josie's neighbor, not a fellow church member, in fact had no church of her own, saw the bruise and felt deep pity for Josie. Kneeling beside him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with medicine and bandaged them. Then he put the man on his donkey and walked along beside him until they came to an inn, where he nursed him through the night. Rose noticed that George was not allowing Josie to go out much. But one day when Josie was taking the garbage to the curb, Rose stopped Josie and said, "I hope that bruise wasn't caused by someone who wanted to hurt you, because no one deserves that." The next day he handed the innkeeper two 20 dollar bills and told him to take care of the man. "If his bill runs higher than that," he said, "I'll pay the difference next time I'm here." The next day when George left for work, Rose called Josie and said to her, "I'll baby-sit for you if you want to go out for a while." Later, Rose offered to drive Josie to a support group for battered women. Rose also secretly slipped Josie two 20 dollar bills. Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to the bandits' victim? Now which of these three would you say was a neighbor to Josie, the victim of abuse? The man replied, "The one who showed him some pity." Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same." The man replied, "The one who showed her some pity." Then Jesus said, "Yes, now go and do the same." The story of the Good Samaritan found in Luke 10:30-37. The story of the Good Samaritan found in a church, workplace or community near you. Created by Jayne Kane of Encourage to Hope Ministries. Found in the paraphrased edition of the Living Bible. Reprinted with permission. Participant Handouts List All handouts are located in the Appendix unless otherwise noted. Statistics * Power and Control Wheel * Power and Control Wheel Prototypes: + Equality + For Disabled and Elderly + Teens + Parish Team + Support from Parish Team * Family Violence: Myths & Misconceptions * Christian Myths About Sexual & Domestic Abuse * Myths About Abusers * Barriers: Realities that Prevent Family Violence Survivors from Looking for Help * Understanding Abusers * Faith Community Barriers * Guidelines for Creating a Safe Place in Your Faith Community * Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers, A Manual for Faith Communities - (Each participant should receive a copy of this manual.) * Scenarios - (Each participant should receive a copy of each scenario when you begin working on this section.) * Pre and post-seminar questionnaires - (Explain these when given to participants) * Article: Hostages in the Home * Faith community "Peace and Hope" brochures - (For copies please call the Community Health Improvement Department of Mercy & Unity Hospitals at 763-236-4342 OR E-mail: lyla.pagels@allina.com) * Your local advocacy community resource information to be added by you Book II Family Violence: Helping Survivors and Abusers A Manual for Faith Communities Chapter Note This chapter was written and compiled by Marlene B. Jezierski, R.N., B.A.N. Generally speaking, material in this booklet makes references to both males and females when mentioning batterers and survivors. Although family violence victims and abusers can be either male or female, the vast majority of survivors are female and the vast majority of abusers are male. Purpose The purpose of this manual is to provide information and suggestions to those individuals in faith communities who work on a personal basis with laity experiencing violence in the home. It is intended to provide suggested responses when identifying violent relationships. Research has shown that, while clergy stated their training in counseling was lacking, 84% had counseled survivors of violence in the home in the course of their pastoral work (Weaver, 1995). In one study of 1,000 women who were survivors of family violence, one- third of them received help from clergy and one-tenth of the batterers were counseled by clergy (Weaver, 1995). For your safety and the safety of others: Those utilizing the information contained in this manual are reminded to apply the following principles when working with individuals experiencing or perpetrating violence in their homes: * Recognize your personal and professional limitations. * Always utilize the knowledge of individuals in the community who possess specialized education and expertise in the area of family violence. These include survivor advocates, specialists working for batterer programs and mental health professionals. * Generally, your primary role is to provide spiritual and emotional support and access to community resources. Definitions Following are definitions of terms as they are used in this manual: (Excerpted and adapted from Domestic Violence Definitions by Jayne Kane, Encourage to Hope Ministries. Reprinted with permission). * Advocate - one who pleads the cause of another, one who argues for, defends, maintains or recommends a cause or proposal * Battered person - a victim of repeated physical, sexual and emotional abuse by an individual sharing a past or present intimate relationship including partners, children, siblings and elders. One who is abused. * Battering - a systematic pattern of violent, controlling, coercive behaviors intended to punish, abuse and ultimately control the thoughts, beliefs and actions of the victim. Abuse. * Domestic violence - intimate partner physical, sexual or emotional abuse * Family violence - physical, sexual, emotional, financial abuse and/or neglect occurring within the context of home and/or intimate personal relationships * Survivor - a victim of domestic or family violence. The term "survivor" is felt to be more empowering and affirming than "victim." * Violence - (in an intimate relationship) a systematic pattern of violent, controlling, coercive behaviors intended to punish, abuse and ultimately control the thoughts, beliefs and actions of the victim. It is characterized by an imbalance of power. It may consist of repeated, severe beatings or more subtle forms of abuse including threats and control. It usually results in lack of self-esteem on the part of the victim and a belief that the victim is the cause of the violence. * Violence is words and actions that hurt people. Survivors "Life was so painful, and I was spiritually lost. Pastor Pamela gave me plenty of space and time. 'What you've been through has been terribly unfair and wrong,' she said. 'It took a lot of courage and trust for you to share your story with me. I'm here to support you.' Her gentle and nonjudgmental approach was an important first step on my lifelong road to spiritual recovery." -Survivor Myth: Family violence affects only a small percentage of the population. One-third of all women have been kicked, hit or punched, choked, or otherwise physically abused by a spouse or partner in their lifetimes. Out of three million women, three percent reported domestic abuse during the past year. Sixteen percent reported they were either sexually or physically abused during their childhood (Commonwealth Fund Survey, 1998). In a survey conducted by the United Methodist Church, one in 13 church members responding had been physically abused by a spouse and one in four had been verbally or emotionally abused. An estimated 90% of all domestic violence incidences go unreported (MN Coalition of Battered Women). Relying on faith: In a study of 1,693 rural Minnesota women, 27% of those in Women, Infant and Children Clinics (WIC) and 18.3% of those in health care clinics reported experiencing physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse in the past year. One component of the study examined barriers to survivors obtaining help from health care providers. One particularly compelling finding identified that 47.6% of survivors said, "I would rather rely on God to help me," suggesting that clergy (and faith communities) need to understand the dynamics of family violence and recognize their role in supporting survivors and facilitating access to community resources (Kershner, 1998 and 1999). Characteristics Family violence survivors may: * believe the myths about domestic violence; * be traditionalists about home, family unity and female sex roles; * accept responsibility for the abuser's behavior; * have low self-esteem; * feel guilt, self-blame, shame and self-hatred and deny the legitimacy of their own feelings and needs; * show martyr-like endurance and passive acceptance; * hold unrealistic hopes that change is imminent; * become increasingly socially isolated; * act compliant, helpless and powerless in order to appease the offender and prevent further abuse; * define themselves in terms of other people's needs; * have a high risk for drug and alcohol addictions; * exhibit stress disorders, depression and psychosomatic complaints; * show anxiety, apprehension, fearfulness, nervousness, panic attacks; * display poor grooming; * have poor eye contact (can also be cultural); * experience mood swings; * suffer from excessive worry, phobic; and/or * feel hopeless, helpless, inability to cope. Indicators of possible abuse Behavioral signs or "Red Flags" that may suggest violence in the home: * In the faith community: + a decline or change in routine in church attendance or activities + refusing or denying contact from clergy or other church members + lack of eye contact or intentional avoidance at religious services or other activities + statements in which the individual questions God, His sovereignty, His love or existence. This may be particularly significant if the person appears to be struggling with this on an experiential level. * In the home: + have a high risk for drug and alcohol additions + exhibit stress disorders, depression and psychosomatic complaints + have a history of frequent illnesses or hospitalizations + depression, suicide attempt + pregnancy complications (premature labor, miscarriage, bleeding) + chronic pain: headache, chest, abdomen, pelvic, back + series of injuries + bruises with patterns (cigarettes, shoes, belt buckles, cords, hands, fingertips) + many seemingly minor but continual and/or varied physical problems + delay in seeking treatment OR doesn't seek treatment for serious injury + injury doesn't fit with person's or others' description + inappropriate clothing * Associated with the abusive partner: + person flinches in presence of partner + partner is excessively attentive and responsive to person + person seeks permission from partner + person demonstrates increased anxiety in presence of partner + refusal of partner to leave person alone Actions to consider * When there are indicators, ask if they are being hurt at home. Survivors of domestic abuse are less likely to come in and disclose abuse; they are more likely to come for counseling stating they have stress or marital relationship problems. It is very important to ask a specific question defining forms of abuse providing an opening for the person to share, if not at that point perhaps at a later date. (See "Asking a question: Is your partner hurting you?") * Be an active listener. + Listen thoughtfully with empathy. + Believe what you are told. Generally survivors initially share the minimal story. They fear not being believed, particularly if the abuser is a pillar of the church. Your belief of the story at this point is more important than giving theological answers which may not meet the survivor's human needs and may be better said when the person is not in crisis. + Avoid showing shock or horror over what you are told, this can cause the survivor to feel more shame and embarrassment. * Be respectful, nonjudgmental, supportive. + Respond without assigning blame. + Avoid shaming. * Affirm the survivor's feelings. Examples: + "You do not deserve this treatment." + "You did not cause this to happen to you." + "I am so sorry this is happening to you." + "You are a good person." + "You have a right to be treasured." + "It must have taken a lot of courage to share this with me." + "I am concerned for your safety and the safety of your children." + "I am here for you when you are ready to seek help or make a change." * Unequivocally challenge violence. + State clearly that violence is not acceptable. + Never say anything that suggests an accusation such as, "What did you do to cause this?" * Provide the survivor with any of the following options: Remember the survivor must make the decisions + Call a crisis line. + Contact a domestic abuse advocacy agency. Services are free and confidential, with no strings attached; survivors make their own decisions. Advocates are well versed in options available and legalities. Many agencies have 24 hour crisis lines. + Report physical or sexual abuse to law enforcement. + If the survivor is a male: there are services for men but they are not as prevalent. Most community domestic abuse agencies will provide phone crisis counseling and referral resources to males as well as females. Homosexual males may be best served by a gay, lesbian, bisexual transgender agency (GLBT). + Seek individual counseling. + Seek counsel from clergy. + Develop a safety plan. + Join a support group. + Call law enforcement to report abuse and/or file an order for protection. + Help identify sources of economic assistance: one of the greatest barriers that exist for survivors when they attempt leaving is lack of financial resources. + Seek career counseling. * Attempt to assess what is happening to any children. + You are a mandated reporter if you are aware of child abuse. + Advise the survivor that you are a mandated reporter. + Concern for the welfare of the children can motivate the survivor to action. * Continue to support the survivor. + Don't just give resources and exit the scene. + Stay in touch in a way that assures safety to both of you. + Give the survivor the gift of time and be prepared for frustration. Survivors need time to sort through a lot of religious, social, emotional and economic issues. They need your time, patience and support to help rebuild self esteem and self-confidence. * Assure confidentiality. + Do not discuss circumstances with anyone else unless the survivor consents. + Do not confront the abuser: any information must be considered confidential. Confrontation by untrained practitioners may endanger survivors and children or others. It should be avoided. If undertaken, it should be done under the advisement and guidance of experts who work with batterers. * Options to consider if the survivor feels she or he must forgive the abuser. + Respectfully suggest that if the abuse is ongoing it means the abuser has not repented and that therefore forgiveness may not be appropriate. + Suggest that forgiveness is the end, not the beginning of the healing process. There are times that the survivor may need to be able to forgive in order to heal. + Suggest that forgiveness is up to God, not up to the victim. + "I know and care about both of you, but I cannot condone this violent behavior towards you". + To forgive does not mean to forget. * Avoid: + Don't say things that suggest you are questioning the validity of what you are being told such as, "I can't imagine (name of partner) behaving that way." This assigns guilt to the wrong person, the survivor, and implies you do not believe what you are being told. + Never say anything that suggests an accusation: "Did you do something to cause this?" or anything else that suggests the survivor can be blamed for the abuse. + Saying words such as "Keep praying" or "Keep the commandments and things will be o.k.," or "Just accept Jesus Christ as your Savior and happiness will come." Phrases such as these that are not helpful, tend to put the survivor in a victim position and contribute to powerlessness. Safety concerns * Seriously consider the potential for danger + Verbalize concerns you have identified. + Give a warning that, while survivors may believe the violence won't happen again, it almost always does, and it gets worse with time. + Validate fearfulness on the survivor's part. + Stress the importance and value of contacting an advocacy agency. + Encourage the survivor to find a safe place to go (shelter or motel), possibly leaving town with the guidance of a domestic violence advocate. + If the survivor is afraid, discuss that fear, provide and discuss a safety plan, and strongly encourage contact with local advocacy services. (See Alexandra House Safety Plan) * Safety planning + Strongly encourage the survivor to contact your local advocacy agency for assistance in safety planning. Family violence advocates can assess the situation and provide objective education and encouragement which may help the survivor seek safety. (See Alexandra House Safety Plan pages 74-75) If it is clear that the survivor will not be doing so, offer safety planning materials. Crisis Counseling When receiving a crisis call from someone seeking help from an abusive relationship: * Ask if the person is in immediate danger. * Ask how you can help. * Do not go to the home. * Call the police at 911 if there is immediate danger. Err on the side of safety. * Check out the current circumstances by asking the caller specific questions about what is happening at the moment, where the abuser and children are, if there are weapons, etc. * As soon as the immediate crisis is past, strongly encourage survivor to call local advocacy program. * If the couple comes to you for couple counseling, agree to meet with them separately. Couple counseling is not advised in crisis circumstances. Spiritual Support * Offer to pray with and for the survivor. * The survivor needs to hear and make faith statements that address the person's safety, well-being and empowerment. * Reference scripture that may provide insight and courage and suggest that scripture reading may be helpful. (See Marriage and relationship, Understanding the intent of scripture) * Avoid platitudes such as "God never sends us anything we can't handle." This sincere belief may be an obstacle. It implies that God has sent this abuse, that it is God's will that violence be perpetrated against them. This could stand in the way of the survivor's safety. * Consider offering this thought: "Let's name the resources you think God has given you to deal with this situation." * "I am confident God does not want you to suffer." * "I do not believe God is punishing you for sin." * Be with the survivor in her or his suffering and healing. Do not stand withdrawn. Acknowledge your fears and pain as you hear the stories. * Affirm the survivor's faith regardless where she or he stands theologically. * Praise and support the survivor as there is movement towards wholeness. Asking a question: Is your partner hurting you? Ask questions if you have concerns that parishioners are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by an intimate partner, caretaker or someone important to them. If you have reason to suspect that a parishioner who has come to you for counseling, or approached you in some way for support, may be being abused at home, it is very helpful if you ask the person if this is happening. It is appropriate to consider this question in many cases of troubled people who seek help from their clergy. A simple, thoughtful, respectful question, gently posed in a soft tone of voice may elicit acknowledgment of a host of problems and concerns that the individual has been hiding and struggling with. Remember that abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional. Elders and disabled Remember, too, that elders and the disabled are also abused and are particularly vulnerable to inappropriate treatment. Consider asking them a question if you have concerns. Besides physical, sexual and emotional abuse, this population is also neglected and financially abused. Ask in a manner that is: * Nonjudgmental * Accepting * Objective * Caring Suggested questions * Use language that is specific so the individual knows what you are asking. * Do you have any concerns about your relationship? * We all have disagreements at home. What happens when you and your partner fight or disagree? * How do you and your partner resolve conflict? * Does your partner prevent you from seeing friends and family? * Does your partner make all of the decisions? * Does your partner constantly put you down? Call you names? Say you are stupid, incompetent, a poor parent, fat, ugly? * Has your partner ever pushed you, slapped you, punched you? * Do you ever feel as though you are walking on eggshells in your relationship? * Are you afraid of your partner or caretaker? * Does your caretaker take your money? * Are you denied access to medical care? * Has your partner ever threatened to hurt a pet, friends or family members? * Has your partner ever threatened or abused your children? * Has you partner ever destroyed things that you cared about? * Has your partner ever forced you to have sex when you didn't want to? * Does your partner mercilessly accuse you of infidelity? Suggested responses when someone discloses abuse * Listen and believe + Listen with concern, objectivity, openness. + Accept the information given you without question. + Allow the person to confide at their pace, don't force the issue. + Never blame the survivor or underestimate fear of potential danger. * Do not give advice - Do offer choices such as the suggestions below + Consider the possibility of leaving the relationship. + Call a domestic abuse crisis hot line to discuss options (these agencies offer free, confidential choices with no strings). + Call police and get a restraining order. + Focus on the survivor's right to make decisions. * When the survivor is the target of frustration, the survivor is re-victimized. * Make affirming, supportive, validating statements (see Actions to consider) + You did not cause the abuse, it is not your fault. + You do not deserve to be treated this way. It is wrong. + Caring about someone means being respectful, not misuse of power in words & actions. + You are not alone, there are people out there who can help you. + Do express concern for their safety when that is a factor. * Support the choices the survivor makes + It is difficult to see a person stay in a situation where she or he is getting hurt. However, that person has the right to make that choice. It is also important to recognize that even when people leave, the abuse does not end. * If you feel angry or frustrated, remember... + Anger and frustration is more appropriately directed towards the abuser. + You may need to give yourself permission to step back. + Recognize your limitations to help when abuse is happening to a competent adult. + Don't blame the survivor for decisions that person needs to make. * When the violence is bad, why doesn't she or he just leave? + For most people in any situation, ending a relationship is not easy. Often, someone in a battering relationship has strong emotional ties to the partner; they don't want the relationship to end, they just want the violence to stop. There are numerous financial, social, familial, emotional and other pressures that make leaving difficult. Sometimes leaving is a significant risk to the survivor and sometimes the children. Remember: leaving does not necessarily end the abuse! Encourage to Change "My belief is that women turn first to ministers and members of the medical profession when they decide to disclose episodes of domestic violence. They need to understand that even if a victim does not have any broken bones or bruises, she still could be experiencing abuse. There is psychological and sexual abuse in so many marriages. Clergy shouldn't ask a victim why she's staying in an abusive marriage. Pastors need to also realize that there are many men sitting in the pews of their churches who go home after the service and abuse their wives." -Survivor Abusers (Batterers) A violent act is the responsibility of the violent person...not the survivor. There is a secret in faith communities. Many individuals are abusing their partners and children. Abusers may be leaders in the church, successful in business or as professionals, as well as blue collar workers or the poor. For generations this issue has long been kept behind closed doors and drawn curtains. Abusers traditionally have not been held accountable for their abuse. The entire community needs to accept responsibility in eliminating family violence and recognize opportunities to make peace. Clergy and their faith communities are vital places to do this good work. They need to: * make their communities a safe place where survivors can seek help; * facilitate survivor connections with family violence (domestic abuse) advocates; * hold perpetrators accountable for their actions; * make zero tolerance for violence a credo in their communities; and * seek opportunities to educate for purposes of awareness and prevention. Battering is a learned behavior. Battering in intimate relationships is difficult to stop because often perpetrators have learned to use violence as a way of managing every day stress and frustration. Sometimes this has taken the form of bullying other children or adults. This behavior may have been life long. Frequently, they have been violent throughout their relationships with their partners. They have unrealistic expectations of themselves and their partners. A strong faith does not prevent battering. Abuse in intimate relationships occurs when there is lack of understanding what it means to respond to the love of another as well as a fundamental lack of compassion. Both scripture and faith communities have been used to accept or condone violence in relationships. These same resources can also provide restraints against violence and define healthy, safe relationships. It takes much more than faith to prevent abuse. It requires acknowledgment of wrongdoing on the part of the perpetrator and a sincere desire and effort to change. Proverbs 15:8-10. The sacrifice of the wicked is an abomination for the Lord, but the prayer of the upright is his delight. The way of the wicked is an abomination to the Lord, but he loves the one who pursues righteousness. There is severe discipline for one who forsakes the way, but one who hates a rebuke will die. (Revised Standard Version) Understanding abusers (See ABC's of Men Who Batter; Abusers quotes; and Myths) Abusers are sometimes extremely dependent on their partners for their sense of self-worth and a sense of control over their lives. Many may believe "only sick, evil people are abusive." On the contrary, abusers usually appear to lead typical lives in most aspects, except they believe they are entitled to use violence and abuse to control the lives of their partners and families. They believe they have a right to abuse. They control others with violence to relieve tension and solve problems. They do not recognize their behavior as being violent. Often, these unacceptable behaviors are not challenged by society. Abuser characteristics * Anyone They come from every walk and socioeconomic level of life. Battering occurs in heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Adult children as well as teen-aged children batter their parents. * Self-esteem issues They may display over-inflated self-esteem while portraying themselves as having no fault. They minimize the impact of their actions on others and blame others for their actions. * A sense of vulnerability and powerlessness They often attempt to control others to maintain or gain power in relationships. * A tendency towards mental health disorders They may have other issues in their lives such as depression, anxiety or other severe and persistent mental health disorders. * Vulnerability to chemical abuse Batterers may cope with their stress by self-medicating with excessive drinking, smoking, or use of legal or illegal drugs. * Male abusers + Male batterers tend to hold traditional beliefs regarding male supremacy and stereotyped masculine sex roles. + Some theorists state that male abusers believe they are less than they ought to be and that they do not live up to society's ideal of masculinity. * Female abusers While statistics show that 95% of physical abuse is males battering females, men are also sometimes physically and emotionally abused by women. * Behaviors + Use of charm as a manipulative technique towards their partners + Poor impulse control or explosive temper + They may use anger to justify abuse when (for example) the partner calls her mother "too often" or forgot to take the car in for servicing + Have limited tolerance for frustration and severe reactions to stress + Often presents a dual personality: at times loving and other times violent + Have difficulty or are reluctant in acknowledging or describing feelings + Controlling: threatened when not in charge of the decision-making process * Relationships - Abusers + Have overly dependent relationships with their victims + Regard their partners and children as property + Are excessively jealous, possessive and controlling + Fear abandonment by their partner + Do not usually use violence at work, illustrating that both acts of violence and control of impulses are choices that abusers can and do make, depending on the situation * Beliefs held by some abusers + They may believe the myths about domestic violence. These myths include: o The victim can learn to stop doing that activity which provokes the batterer to escalate to violent behavior. o Alcohol, stress and mental illness are major causes of physical and verbal abuse. o Survivors tacitly accept the abuse by trying to conceal it, not by reporting it, or by failing to seek help. + Their violent behavior should not have negative consequences. + They deny and minimize their violent behavior. They typically deny the abuse is happening, insist it happens rarely or simply lie about it. + They also believe that the partner or circumstances are to blame for the abusive behavior, they refuse to accept responsibility themselves. * Recognizing a potentially abusive relationship + A partner who has to make secret appointments with you + When together, one partner is consistently deferential to the other + When together, one partner seems to be fearful or insecure + Exhibits one or more of the characteristics described in the previous pages + A person who makes shame-based statements related to violent behaviors blaming the partner for the problem and implying the partner (survivor) needs to fix it. Interventions These interventions were adapted from a tool developed by EMERGE, 2380 Massachusetts Avenue, Cambridge, MA, 02140. Reprinted with permission from EMERGE. Most often, the prime objective with abusers is for the abuser to take responsibility for abusive behavior and to enter a treatment program. Maintain confidentiality: do not discuss with the abuser what the survivor has shared with you. Principles to apply if you meet with an abuser: * Define violence broadly. The individual doing the battering may not believe that certain behaviors are violent. This includes acts such as pushing, hair pulling and threats along with punches and choking, etc. * Be direct. * Focus on the abusive conduct and its effect on the survivor, not on the perpetrator's explanations and rationalizations. * Make a statement that indicates the choice to hurt another physically, sexually or emotionally is just that, a choice, and that to choose to do so is unhealthy and an unhealthy practice in terms of spirituality. * Discuss options to determine willingness and availability for treatment and make appropriate referrals. * If the abuser becomes aggressive or threatening (depending on the behavior), protect yourself, seek law enforcement intervention, or other protective acts. * Advise the abuser that you will maintain confidentiality unless you become aware that the partner or children are in jeopardy and/or if you learn that child abuse is occurring, which you are required by law to report to child protection services. If the abusive person confronts you: * Do not be manipulated or misled by the excuses you are given. Be aware that your personal safety is of the highest priority. If you feel you are at risk, do not continue the discussion. * Do not allow the individual to minimize, deny or blame anyone else for his or her actions. A typical response might be "I didn't hit her that hard." Their rationalized explanations include: + Minimizing + Citing good intentions + Blaming alcohol or drugs for the behavior (which gives permission for the behavior when not drinking) + Claiming loss of control + Blaming the survivor + Blaming someone or something else (work, upbringing, stress or pressure) Ask specific, concrete questions that not only get to the specifics of the relationship but define violence. "How many times have you hit your partner?" "Have you ever choked your partner?" or "Have you pushed her?" "Have you ever pulled your partner's hair?" "Have you ever taken the car keys? Damaged property? Insulted family and friends? Made accusations of infidelity?" Obtain some historical information in relationship to the battering including asking the following questions: * "How often do these incidents of battering occur?" * "What is the most serious incident of abuse?" * "How do you discipline the children?" * "How do you typically resolve disagreements?" The abuser may have a long history of violence in his or her family of origin and will need help seeing the behavior as being violent and unacceptable. This should be a learning process to effect change and NOT an exercise in finding excuses for the violent behavior. Remorse, repentance and responsibility * Remorse, deep, painful regret for wrongdoing or repentance, is frequently expressed by batterers. If there is remorse, accept it, but do not give unconditional forgiveness. Instead, listen carefully to words used: is the abuser accepting responsibility for his or her own actions? True acceptance of responsibility can be manifested by the abuser taking steps to change behavior. This can include enrolling in a batterer's program, seeking counseling and substance abuse treatment, finding help for the behavior, and ultimately stopping it. Note: these can also be tactics of control in themselves because, for example, they know their partner will stay with them if they attend a program. * Repentance, when found in both the Hebrew and Greek references, very clearly refers to turning around, a change of self: "Repent and turn from all your transgressions...Get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit!...Turn, then, and live." (Ezekiel 18:30-32) This is the kind of total change that is necessary for an abuser to stop the abusive behavior. * Use "supportive confrontation:" identify violence as a problem and challenge the ways the individual minimizes or denies responsibility for it. Point out that violence is not a sickness but a learned behavior that can be unlearned. Help the person to see how self-defeating the violence is, how it damages the family long term. Use this to help the person see the need for change. * Other suggested phrases: + "Violence is never justified and it always makes matters worse." + "You can only control yourself, not others." + "Seek compassion for others, especially your loved ones." + "This is your journey; be attentive to the legacy you will leave for your family and children. Abuse is generational." Marriage counseling * The immediate goal is not to save the marriage but to stop the violence. When one person abuses another, the marriage covenant has already been broken (as discussed in the teaching video, "Broken Vows"). (See video ordering information) * Marriage counseling in a battering relationship is highly questionable. If the violence has completely stopped, the partner and family are no longer fearful, the batterer has successfully completed a program, and both want to work on their relationship, it may be appropriate. Spiritual support There are times when it is appropriate and important to serve as spiritual advisor to a batterer. When this occurs, there are key principles to apply: * The batterer must always be held accountable for abusive behaviors and be told that physical, sexual and emotional abuse is unacceptable. * It is always appropriate to provide spiritual support. Helpful interventions that can be provided include praying and using the Bible and other materials which provide guidance on respectful, peaceful relationships. * As in any circumstance of conflict, the spiritual counselor must limit his or her ministry within the boundaries of that role, and be careful not to step out of those limits. Issues relating to legalities and psychological issues, for example, are usually best left to attorneys and psychologists. Accountability for battering behavior is usually best addressed in batterers' treatment programs. * A miraculous, sudden change of heart that has occurred with the abuser claiming total healing from the abusive behaviors, yet lacks commitment to a long-term treatment program - is most likely to be short-lived. Treatment * Perpetrators of domestic violence may need substance abuse treatment and batterer treatment. It is important to note that substance abuse treatment alone does not suffice. It is imperative that chemically dependent abusers receive treatments for both substance abuse and battering. * Suggest counseling and education for batterers. Call your domestic violence agency to obtain information on local resources. Anoka County resources include: + Domestic Abuse Program, Central Center for Family Resources: 763-783-4990 + Alcoholics Anonymous: 763-421-9923 + Community resource list (see pages 78-81) There is no short-term solution to a life of violence. The safety of the survivor and children is your highest priority. Engaging the batterer in a change process is your second priority. Standards for batterers' treatment programs - Philosophy statement** * Violence can never be condoned under any circumstances. There is no such thing as the provocation theory; all abusive behavior is the sole responsibility of the batterer. * Provisions for the safety of the victims/survivors and their children should be utmost in any decision or policy. * The primary goal of treatment programs for batterers is to end the violent, abusive and controlling behaviors.* * Violence as a choice is a learned behavioral response and can be unlearned in an educational/therapeutic group setting. * Domestic violence and alcohol abuse are often intertwined, although they do not share a cause and effect relationship. They must be treated as separate issues and perpetrators must address the chemical abuse issue before beginning a domestic abuse program. * Child witnesses or victims of domestic violence suffer long-term emotional and behavioral consequences and often grow up to repeat the intergenerational cycle, either as perpetrator or a victim. *Controlling behaviors maintain an imbalance of power between the abuser and his or her partner. It includes any act that causes the victim to do something she doesn't want to do and prevents the survivor from doing something she wants to do or causes fear. **Reprinted with permission from the Domestic Abuse Project, 204 W. Franklin Avenue, Mpls, MN, 55404. Safety issues Assess lethality* There is no question that many abusers can be extremely dangerous. Their threats should be taken very seriously. If you can connect one or more of the following findings to the abuser or perpetrator, the element of danger to the survivor and the children increases exponentially. * Threat of homicide or suicide. * Fantasies of homicide or suicide: has the person developed a plan as to how a murder would be completed? * Weapons: does the batterer possess weapons? Has the batterer threatened to use them? Threatened members of the family with a weapon? * Does the batterer insist that the partner is property and belongs only to him or her? "Death before divorce," or "You will never belong to another." A batterer who believes he or she is absolutely entitled to the partner; the partner's services, obedience and loyalty, no matter what, is likely to be life-endangering. * Idolization of the partner or heavy dependence on the partner to organize and sustain his or her life and/or is isolated from the larger community. * Separation violence: can't imagine living life without the partner. * Depression: candidate for homicide or suicide. Research shows that many men who are hospitalized for depression have homicidal fantasies directed at family members. * Access to partner and/or to family members in the presence of other factors. * Repeated outreach to law enforcement. * Escalation of risks: the batterer takes actions without regard to the legal or social consequences that previously constrained violent behavior. * Hostage taking. Action when safety concerns exist: If you have a concern for the survivor and family members based on findings from the checklist above: * Take measures to protect the survivor and children. * Strongly voice your concerns and their basis to the survivor and abuser. * Keep the location of the survivor and children confidential. * Do not try to handle this situation without local authorities. Seek guidance from advocacy services and law enforcement. * Protect yourself from danger. * Be sure you are safe in your office. *Adapted from: Assessing Whether Batterers Will Kill, by Barbara Hart, 1990. Reprinted with permission from the PA Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 6400 Flank Drive, Suite 1300, Harrisburg, PA, 17112. Batterers must not be diverted from prosecution. Use of scripture (See Marriage and relationship: Understanding the intent of scripture) "Bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you." Luke 6:28 While the scripture intends seeking help for those who are hurtful to others, its intent is not to accept this behavior. We should pray for perpetrators while recognizing that the church is intolerant of abusive behavior. "Submit yourselves to one another because of your reverence for Christ." Ephesians 5:21-33 The Revised Standard Version states it slightly differently: "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." (Rev. Marie M. Fortune) The instruction to husbands is very clear and concrete. A husband is to nourish and cherish his own body and that of his wife. Physical battering which occurs between spouses is probably the most blatant violation of this teaching. While intimate partner abuse/violence may be a common pattern in some relationships it can never be legitimized by scripture. "Perhaps I could have been influential in bringing my husband to Christ. Yet, I had enough insight to know that if I didn't get out of the marriage I was going to die. But nobody, not the ministers nor my friends, were giving me permission to get out. No one ever called my husband on his inappropriate behavior. They simply kept talking about my responsibilities as a Christian wife." -Survivor Marriage and relationship: Understanding the intent of scripture When there is mutual love and commitment and two people begin a new life and future together, couples look ahead with high expectations and hopes and dreams of a long and happy life. Both must exert energy towards fostering a stable, life-long relationship. This vision of a loving, respectful home presupposes there is mutual trust and respect, that neither partner will hurt the other physically, sexually or emotionally. Sometimes hurtful behavior has been inappropriately justified by misinterpretation of scripture. "Spare the rod" or "Wives, submit to your husbands" are two examples of this inappropriate use of the Word of God. Use of scriptures by partners to incur physical, sexual or emotional harm on family members are misusing and misinterpreting these very scriptures. "A careful study of both Jewish and Christian scriptures makes it very clear that it is not possible to use scripture to justify abuse of persons in the family." (Rev. Marie M. Fortune, Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence) Fortune goes on to say that sometimes people explain suffering, as when being abused in a relationship, as God's punishment for past sins. These explanations assume God to be stern, harsh and even cruel and arbitrary. This image of God runs counter to a biblical image of a kind, merciful and loving God. The God of this biblical teaching does not single out anyone to suffer for the sake of suffering, because suffering is not pleasing to God. When interpreting biblical texts, people frequently cite short passages out of context. Very often this skews the meaning of the passage, and sometimes actually results in an interpretation of meaning opposite of that intended by the writer. In the following scriptural analyses, the approach was to read the text in its literary and social context to understand the real intent of the meaning of the passage. The following scripture references specifically provide a basis for a marriage that is free of physical, sexual and emotional abuse in the context of the scriptures.* "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." - Ephesians 5:21 "For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything to their husbands." - Ephesians 5:23-24 This passage is often brought to bear when the husband claims he has the right to abuse his wife saying "the husband is the head of the wife" (v. 23) and "wives ought to be everything (subject) to their husbands" (v. 24). Is this what the passage says? Is this what the author intends? In this case, several crucial verses and parts of verses have been omitted to achieve this gross and blatant misreading. The overall principle governing these verses in Ephesians is found in verse 21, "Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ." This passage, as well as others, does not serve the abuser's interests. He does not claim to be subject to his wife. But it does give us an idea about relationships between married people. This passage clearly explains what it means when it says that the husband is the head of the wife. The husband is to follow the model of Jesus' relationship with the church (v. 23) and the relationship between Jesus and the church is "Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (v. 25). Rev. Marie Fortune discusses this point as follows: "The model suggested here of husband-wife relationship is based on the Christ-church relationship. It is clear from Jesus' teaching and ministry that his relationship to his followers was not one of dominance or authoritarianism, but rather one of servant-hood. For example, Jesus washed the feet of his disciples in an act of serving. He taught them that those who would be first must, in fact, be last. Therefore, according to Ephesians, a good husband will not dominate or control his wife but will serve and care for her." "In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church." - Ephesians 5:28-29 A further explanation of Christ's relationship to the church follows in subsequent verses from Ephesians. Paul explicitly tells husbands how to behave with respect to their wives' bodies. (See also I Corinthians 3:16-17 which also references respect for the body.) We have seen elsewhere that batterers are sometimes dependent on their partners for a sense of self-worth. Battering does not enhance self- worth, it diminishes it. This passage from Ephesians states unequivocally that a husband as the head of the wife must be like Christ and "love her as he loves himself" and "nourishes and tenderly cares for her." Marie Fortune's interpretation states, " This instruction is very clear and concrete. Physical battering that occurs between spouses is probably the most blatant violation of this teaching and a clear reflection of the self-hatred in the one who is abusive." *Interpretation and dialogue in this section provided by Christine Frank, Ph.D., Professor of Theology, College of St. Catherine, St. Paul, MN. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in one day, and each time he comes to you saying, "I repent," you must forgive him." - Luke 17:3-4 Clergy and abusers alike have been known to tell the abused that the Bible teaches that the abused partners must forgive the abuser. The verses in Luke are cited in support of this position. "If another disciple sins, you must rebuke the offender, and if there is repentance you must forgive." Additionally, they have admonished survivors that if the same person sins against you seven times a day and turns back to you seven times and says, "I repent," you must forgive. The abuser wants the abused to think that even though the abuse continues to occur, the survivor must forgive the abuser and remain in the relationship. What is the context of this passage, and what ideas in the passage are being left out so that the abuser's own interests are served? First of all, this is a general instruction to all of Jesus' followers. They are to rebuke an offender, they are to forgive the offender and to repeatedly forgive when the offender repents. Does this apply to the specific case of an abused partner? Is the abused partner to rebuke the abuser? The abuser does not ask the spouse to rebuke him--indeed this would most likely precipitate further abuse. The passage is misused to demand not just repeated forgiveness on the part of the abused, but erroneous interpretations suggest the abused party must continue to live in an abusive relationship. This is not what forgiveness means here or elsewhere, nor does it have an adequate understanding of real repentance. Real repentance has the sense of a complete turning around, a change of self. Forgiveness is an attitude of the offended party toward the offender. Forgiveness is not the same as continuing to tolerate abuse. A continued pattern of repeated abuse is not an indication that the true repentance has occurred. After taking care of oneself, the survivors' response to the abuser should be to rebuke or confront him. Then if he repents, forgive him. Repentance, when found in both the Hebrew and Greek references refers to turning around, a change of self. "Repent and turn from all your transgressions...Get yourselves a new heart and a new spirit!...Turn, then, and live." - Ezekiel 18:30-32 This is the kind of total change that is necessary for an abuser to stop the abusive behavior. Forgiveness depends on this total repentance. "Each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does...It is to peace that God has called you." - I Corinthians 7:2b-4, 15b In this letter, Paul writes to answer questions which the Corinthians have about marriage. Some wondered if it is a good thing to marry. (They ask, "Is it good for a man not to touch a woman?" 7:1). The overall principle is in v. 15b. With respect to marriage, Paul has a very egalitarian view. There is no notion of subjugation of woman to man, but mutual submission to one another. Paul speaks of marriages between Christians and non-Christians (a growing phenomenon in cosmopolitan Corinth). He urges that these mixed marriages may have a benefit for the non-Christian partner ("Wife, you may save your husband, husband you may save your wife 7:16). But if this is not possible, the partners are not bound because "it is to peace that God has called you." Abusing partners break the covenant with their spouse, and just as in cases of the mixed marriage where the partners are not bound because of some disagreement, this would also apply when the abuser has severed the relationship. The wife is not bound. God's intent is to "call people to peace." "He has declared to you, O man, what is good, and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?"- Micah 6:8 One of the most frequently stated values in both Old and New Testaments has to do with the treatment of members of the human family. The well known phrase from Micah sums up this value: God is directing us to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God. Any person who suffers abuse is not being treated justly or with kindness. Any person who would walk humbly with God would seek to end abuse, wherever it occurs. Other readings for consideration "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you? If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person. For God's temple is holy, and you are that temple." - I Corinthians 3:16-17 "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Choose life so that you and your descendants may live." - Deuteronomy 30:19 "The spirit of the Lord is upon me, because God has anointed me to bring good news to the poor. God has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to let the oppressed go free, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." (Jesus reading from Isaiah in the temple) - Luke 4:18-19 Marriage Preparation Marriage preparation should include individual, one-on-one assessments and discussions of domestic violence: defining it, identifying characteristics of abusive relationships and comparing them with relationships of respect, trust and equality. Pre-marital counseling is a unique and crucial opportunity for those involved in marriage preparation to assess how each person responds to and deals with not getting his or her own way, differences of opinion, anger and frustration and how they interact and respond to one another. It is helpful to know the lifetime experiences of individuals. For example, 70% of all men who batter saw their mother being battered. Early warning signs can help identify potential batterers. These early-warning signs and other literature or discussion of family violence should become an integral part of any pre-marital programs in the faith community. Teaching points * Define domestic violence broadly and teach that violence of any kind in marriage and family life is unacceptable. * Identify the characteristics of respectful and abusive relationships. * Provide community resource information on advocacy and batterer resources to attendees. * Extend an open invitation for private discussion with participants. Interviewing points * See the couple together and separately. * Discuss respectful and abusive relationships, identify characteristics of each. * Explore existence of familial violence and identify inherent risks in its presence. * Assess for presence of any early warning signs (see Self Assessment Tool). Elements to consider for inclusion in course materials * A self-assessment tool for both batterers and survivors. * Printed materials describing domestic violence and what survivors can do. * An invitation to contact parish staff with any concerns. This recommendation is based on the creation of a "safe place" in the faith community for survivors and abusers to disclose and seek help. * Promise of absolute and unequivocal confidentiality, except when there is a clear risk of violence to self or others. * A current list of local resources for survivors and batterers. * A statement from clergy addressing the issue of domestic violence with special attention given to the misuse or misunderstanding of Scripture and Church teaching about marriage (see Marriage and relationship: Understanding the intent of scripture). Definition Violence in an intimate relationship is a systematic pattern of violent, controlling, coercive behaviors intended to punish, abuse and ultimately control the thoughts, beliefs and actions of the victim. It is characterized by an imbalance of power. It may consist of repeated, severe beatings or more subtle forms of abuse including threats and control. It usually results in lack of self-esteem on the part of the victim and a belief that the victim is the cause of the violence. Violence is words and actions that hurt people. Early warning signs Substance abuse Between 40 and 80% of battering incidents involve substance abuse. People who batter do not batter because of substance abuse, but they may use their dependency as an excuse for their battering. Also, the battering may be more severe when combined with substance abuse. Physical abuse during courtship Physical abuse during courtship is a guarantee of later abuse. As time goes on, the abuse usually will become more severe and more frequent. It is a mistake to marry believing this will get better, it will almost definitely become more severe over time. Violent environment Violent behavior is learned. Individuals who grow up with abuse in the home often think of abuse as normal behavior. Cruelty to animals Anyone who beats a dog or other pets should be considered a likely batterer. Abuse justified by frustration When relatively minor problems such as missing a parking space or being jostled in a crowd causes a person to become violent, scream or otherwise seriously over react to the situation, it is highly likely this behavior will repeat itself in the marriage. Poor self-image Men often attack women when they feel their masculinity has been threatened. However, many abusers feel quite entitled to use violence and consider themselves superior to their female partners. Extreme or subtle possessiveness and jealousy If a person considers his or her partner to be property and becomes enraged or expresses a need to be with the partner as much as possible, or when he or she does not receive all of his or her attention, he or she is a potential abuser. If the potential abuser is threatened by a partner's friendships with others and does not allow the partner to form other friendships, that is a red flag. A general dislike or mistrust of women (male abusers) I CORINTHIANS 13 The words of Paul foun